'Are any of you single?': seven foolproof pub chat-up lines

PULLING women in pubs is easy because they hate being left alone. Still struggling? Use these fool-proof chat-up lines:


Sometimes actions speak louder than your slurred, lecherous words ever could. Even if gawping at honeys from a distance fails to entice, vacantly staring at them for half-an-hour gets their attention which is a huge hurdle to overcome. You’re in there already.

‘Are any of you single?’

Some women argue this sort of intel should be gathered subtly and tactfully, but most prefer a player who’s assertive and gets straight to the point. You’re also saving time by not talking to them based on their looks or personality but their availability. The female brain will note your practicality and classify you as husband material.

‘You’re probably the best-looking girl in this pub’

Give a compliment if you must, but it needs to be hedged as much as possible. If it doesn’t sound back-handed then there’s a risk their self-esteem might get dangerously high and before you know it they’ll realise they’re out of your league. You, of course, are God’s gift to the fairer sex and they need to earn your affections.

‘My mate fancies you’

The only thing more seductive than being approached during a night out is being accosted via a third party. Women are notorious loathers of maturity and confidence, so getting your friend to chat them up for you will win them over. It didn’t work during your school days at the Year 9 Christmas disco, but in the pub it definitely will.

‘How many guys have you shagged?’

When talking to women there’s always the risk of getting friendzoned, so be clear about your romantic intentions from the off by opening with explicit sexual interrogation. Once they answer, be ready to reply with some unsolicited opinions to keep the conversation going.

‘You look just like my ex’

Women judge a man by how much other women desire them, so by mentioning your ex to that blonde bird at the bar you’re bound to impress her. Don’t be surprised if she tries to tear your clothes off there and then as the raw animal lust overpowers her rational thought processes. Talk of a failed relationship does that to a woman.

Just put your arm around them

Physical contact is the most tried-and-tested chat-up line of them all. Draping your arm around a woman you’ve never met is so smooth she’ll ask the barman to stop pouring her drink, drag you to the bathrooms and bang your brains out. This happens every single time, guaranteed.

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The six people your mum is probably talking about

YOUR mum’s telling you about someone, you drifted off thinking about Wagon Wheels, and now you’ve no idea who. It’s probably one of these:

Auntie Kath

The moral arc of the universe bends towards justice and the conversational arc of your mother bends towards Auntie Kath. Everything goes back to her: the dress she wore at that funeral, the low quality of her vol-au-vents in 2010, what she said about Auntie Susan. You’ve seen Auntie Kath twice in 20 years and don’t care.

Brian next door

A towering figure in your mother’s life, the movements and conversation of Brian – who is apparently a lovely man – are chronicled in minute detail. His passing remark about the weather will be relayed to you six to eight times. Apparently you’ve met him.

Her old friend Francesca

The story of how your mum drifted out of touch with Francesca then found her through Facebook is recounted like Arthurian legend. You hear everything about her, but she never seems available to meet up with mum. Almost like their renewed friendship is something she regrets.

Bridget from her craft group

A newcomer to your mum’s monologues but coming up fast. Bridget sits next to your mum when they’re sewing and oh, the fun they have. Especially when they were already laughing and Bridget made an ‘in stitches’ gag. ‘You should have been there,’ your mum says, and you feel like you were.

Bridget from her craft group’s daughter Siobahn

We’re doing at-three-removes now? This is f**ked. You resent it with the same slow-burning intensity that you resent hearing about Brooklyn Beckham. Nonetheless you’re filled in on Siobahn’s job, her flat in Peckham, her city break in Riga. Why?

Your dad

Never mentioned in any conversations. Barely exists as far as your mum’s concerned. Only included here on the outside chance he’s inconvenienced her by taking her car to be serviced.