Married At First Sight, and other reality TV shows that clearly just want the best for people

REALITY TV? Exploitative? What sort of monster would unwind by watching others suffer? These shows only want the best for their stars:

Married At First Sight

Forget the tears and scandals which unfold during every episode, the scientifically trained experts behind this unique experiment are focused on wedding perfectly-matched couples. They’re hardly to blame if humiliating rows or embarrassing life choices get caught on camera in the process. That’s the contestants’ fault.

The Apprentice

The world of business is almost impossible to get into. You can’t study it at university and not everybody is capable of thinking up a flawed business model which will collapse within a year. To help budding entrepreneurs take their first steps, Lord Sugar gives them a taste of what the corporate world is really like by giving them two days to make a crap advert that will haunt them forever.

I’m A Celebrity: Get Me Out Of Here!

To the untrained eye this show looks like nothing more than a degrading way for C-list celebrities to try and revive their careers. But TV executives are universally nice people and would never be so inhumane as to make struggling entertainers eat a kangaroo’s anus for our amusement. You should be ashamed of yourself for cynically thinking they would.

Made In Chelsea

Made In Chelsea is an awe-inspiring documentary far superior to the tripe David Attenborough churns out. For years the public has wondered how vacuous morons go for cocktails and have arguments with their fake-tanned, non-entity friends; and now, thanks to this pioneering show, regular people can empathise with them. The world would be a bleak place without it.

Don’t Tell The Bride

Every little girl dreams of handing control of her big day over to a stupid and disinterested partner, and Don’t Tell The Bride makes that popular fantasy a reality. What wife-to-be hasn’t pictured their vows being exchanged while closing credits roll over them because they’re not entertaining enough for the main programme? Those are tears of happiness she’s crying.

Come Dine With Me

Don’t let Dave Lamb’s sarcastic narration fool you. While Come Dine With Me appears to be a sick competition where the worst facets of humanity are allowed to shine via cooking, it’s actually a gripping insight into how unbreakable, lifelong friendships are forged. It gets a 10 from us for being a heart-warming reminder of people’s best virtues.

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Couple try to remember what they did at weekends before they had f**king kids

A COUPLE are trying to remember how they spent weekends before they were entirely given over to the demands of their children.

Tom and Louisa Booker of Buxton, whose weekends are dictated by the demands of their 12-year-old son and eight-year-old daughter from start to finish, know they must theoretically have done other things when childless but cannot recall what.

Louisa said: “Well we’d get up, and… wait, no. I don’t suppose we’d have to. Did we just spend all day in bed? Why wouldn’t you?”

Her husband replied: “No, we were up by noon, at least, and then… well we wouldn’t have had to go to junior football or ballet lessons or any of that shit. But what?

“Did we go out for brunch? I kind of sort of remember eating while relaxed without having to take anyone for a shit mid-pancake. Could that be real?”

Louisa said: “Then the afternoon. Did we, I don’t know, poke around an antiques market? Go to the pub? I know we still had sex back then, but not all weekend. God, I’m completely blanking on what it would be like not dancing to a child’s whims.”

Tom said: “I remember sometimes in the evening we’d watch a film. At the cinema. There, that’s Saturday dealt with. Now what the f**k did we do on Sundays?”