Man who paid £17,000 in stamp duty last year never voting Tory again

A MAN who paid seventeen f**king grand in stamp duty last year is never voting Tory again, he has confirmed. 

Julian Cook paid the amount while buying his house last year only to find ‘Liz twatting Truss and her growth-crazy dickheads’ cutting it to practically nothing.

He said: “Let me give you the picture. You’ve got 17 thousand pounds in your hand. It gets taken off you by the government then they announce from now on it’s free. Angry yet?

“Do you know what I could have done with that money? Not been on the bones of my arse when my fixed-rate deal runs out in 2023, for one.

“I know it’s petty and selfish and ignorant of the wider problems of society, but I’m a Tory voter. That’s who we are and what we’re about.

“I didn’t mind the pandemic stamp duty holiday. But telling me it’s 17k for a ticket then opening the doors to every bastard? I’d rather vote Starmer.”

He added: “Oh, and apparently now I’m a top-rate taxpayer. Well don’t I feel f**king rich.”

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Weirdo prefers fake crime to true crime

A WOMAN prefers watching or reading about horrible acts when they are fictional and not something that happened to a real human, she has confirmed.

Lucy Phipps, aged 32,  has caused consternation after revealing she would rather see a narratively satisfying TV show where the perpetrator is always caught than a documentary about a disturbing real-life murder.

Phipps said: “Most of my friends are obsessed with true crime, but somehow I haven’t been able to derive any enjoyment from learning in detail how a serial killer mutilated their victims.

“I tried to get into Making A Murderer but I didn’t realise I was supposed to come to a weirdly strongly-held conclusion about who did it, like some kind of citizen sleuth. That sounds like a job for the police, and I’m not qualified for it.

“One of my friends says she likes listening to true crime podcasts in the bath, but somehow the grisly descriptions and tense music didn’t make me feel very relaxed. In fact, I was scared shitless. Maybe there’s something wrong with me?”

Friend Kelly Howard said: “Lucy doesn’t find terrifying psychopath Ted Bundy attractive in a dark, edgy way. That’s f**king weird, right?”