Nail bars at war with vape shops for total high street domination

NAIL bars and vape shops are locked in a ruthless head-to-head war to win complete control of every high street in Britain, it has emerged.

The two phenomenons of modern retailing are fighting it out to be the only stores left as increasing numbers of shoppers order everything off the internet because they can’t be arsed to go out.

Tom Logan, owner of The Vaped Crusader in Dudley, said: “The plan is that you won’t be able to walk a metre up any road in town without someone selling you a bottle of aniseed flavoured e-liquid.

“Every other retailer has closed, aside from the nail bars. But they won’t win because they only appeal to the female half of the population, unless you live in some hipster shitehole like Bristol or Brighton. We will crush them.”

Nikki Hollis, owner of A Whiter Shade Of Nails, said: “We’ve basically won already. You can order all that vaping crap off the internet, but you can’t order someone to come round and do your nails while trading local gossip.

“The only thing we haven’t cracked is creating an environment where men can discuss tedious details like lithium-ion battery specifications.

“But once we’ve got them interested in talking obsessively about the best type of bonder to use with dip powder nails, we will have vanquished our enemy and will rule over all.”

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Finally it's our turn for some f**king consideration, say rich

THE UK’s rich have welcomed a budget that puts them and their needs first for a f**king change.

Kwasi Kwarteng’s mini-budget scraps the banker bonus cap, abolishes the higher rate of income tax, gets rid of stamp duty, and abandons a planned corporation tax rise, helping the six-figure strugglers who keep Britain running.

Hedge fund manager Martin Bishop said: “Well thank f**k for the long-overdue return of common sense.

“All we’ve heard about in years is small businesses, hard-working strivers, and low-income familes on the poverty line. We so badly needed a government to tell all those losers to get f**ked.

“If they want something from this budget they need to triple their incomes and get their hands on some assets. They’ve been given all the encouragement they need so they’ve no excuse.

“Once I’ve finished with my cars, houses, yachts or women I don’t throw them away. I pass them on down the pyramid, so benefiting me benefits everyone. That’s basic economics. At last, a chancellor who gets it.”

Fork-lift driver Wayne Hayes said: “I see where this is going. We’re making the whole country as deeply in debt and completely f**ked as I am.”