NAIL bars and vape shops are locked in a ruthless head-to-head war to win complete control of every high street in Britain, it has emerged.
The two phenomenons of modern retailing are fighting it out to be the only stores left as increasing numbers of shoppers order everything off the internet because they can’t be arsed to go out.
Tom Logan, owner of The Vaped Crusader in Dudley, said: “The plan is that you won’t be able to walk a metre up any road in town without someone selling you a bottle of aniseed flavoured e-liquid.
“Every other retailer has closed, aside from the nail bars. But they won’t win because they only appeal to the female half of the population, unless you live in some hipster shitehole like Bristol or Brighton. We will crush them.”
Nikki Hollis, owner of A Whiter Shade Of Nails, said: “We’ve basically won already. You can order all that vaping crap off the internet, but you can’t order someone to come round and do your nails while trading local gossip.
“The only thing we haven’t cracked is creating an environment where men can discuss tedious details like lithium-ion battery specifications.
“But once we’ve got them interested in talking obsessively about the best type of bonder to use with dip powder nails, we will have vanquished our enemy and will rule over all.”