No wasting time on office politics bullshit: Five ways workers do more from home

A NEW survey has revealed that bosses think workers are less productive when toiling away at home. This is why, as usual, they are wrong.

They don’t have to make small talk with bosses

Workers will endure listening to their boss talk about their golfing weekend and laugh at their shit jokes in the office because they’re worried they’ll get fired if they don’t. When working from home they’re relieved from this time-wasting burden and can get down to business or scroll social media, which is the same thing for trendy media types.

It’s easier to wank

A quick mid-morning hand shandy sets up a worker for the day ahead by boosting their mood and promptly taking their mind off sex. Home workers are free to do this wherever and whenever they want, provided they aren’t in a Zoom meeting. Meanwhile office workers have to sneak to the bathroom or have an office affair, both of which are a drain on productivity.

No more tiring commute

Driving to work or trudging onto packed public transport is a demoralising grind which involves waking up early. By rolling out of bed two minutes before their contracted starting time, home workers can enjoy a lie-in, save money, and have extra energy for reading and sending emails. They need it too because they’ve got into the habit of staying up until 2am.

No wasting time on office politics bullshit

Waging a petty feud against the bastard from marketing who dared to use the cup you bought in from home back in 2018 might be the highlight of your days as an office worker, but it does nothing to increase the business’s bottom line. Home workers don’t have to contend with this distraction and can instead concentrate on bitching to their friends via WhatsApp.

They’re happier

Despite what bosses think, most workers do not enjoy being in the office, typing on their keyboards and attending meetings that drag on to their scheduled finishing time. They’d much rather be at home sitting in front of the TV and eating crisps. By working at home they can do both at the same time more efficiently because they’re happier.

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Dad replies to text message from 2016

A DAD has finally responded to a message sent several years ago, it has emerged.

Emma Bradford was surprised to see the text alert as her family have a WhatsApp group, which her father Alan only engages with to confirm a local traffic disruption.

Bradford said: “We haven’t used standard messaging for years, and dad barely communicates anyway, so my immediate thought was that their house had burnt down.

“The very fact that he’d picked it up and used it set alarm bells ringing, as his phone is usually in a coat which is buried under several other coats in the hall cupboard, or behind an old bucket in the shed.

“When I opened it, it said ‘cat litter please’. I delete all my old texts every six months and have had three new phones in the meantime, so the text I’d sent him didn’t show. However, my powers of deduction suggest I’d asked him if he wanted anything from the supermarket.

“He never replies, so I will have got him what I always get: two scotch eggs and a litre of screen wash.”

Alan Bradford said: “I’d better ring Emma on the landline to let her know we need some butter too.”