Doctor Who's target audience is Stephen Hawking

FORMER kids’ TV series Doctor Who is now aimed at Stephen Hawking, according to showrunner Stephen Moffat.

As the series reaches a mind-bendingly complex conclusion far beyond the comprehension of normal minds, Moffat revealed he just wants to entertain Stephen Hawking.

Stephen Moffat said: “You can pander to kids, or you can go for the more select demographic of the world’s top physicist.

“There was literally nothing on telly these days to complicated enough to challenge Stephen Hawking, so we made it our goal to ‘make Steve’s brain hurt’.

“Of course families can enjoy the show too, provided one of them has a PHD and a set of flow charts detailing the many concurrent plotlines and which characters are their own parents.”

Describing the series finale, Moffat said: “I feel I can give this away because you won’t understand it in any case – Davros returns, escaping a parallel time stream in which the Doctor is married to Captain Jack.

“This causes a fracture in the universe allowing the cybermen to form an alliance with the zygons and take over Victorian London. They stop River Song being born by destroying time itself with a gravity bomb inside the fourth incarnation of K-9’s ghost.

“Meanwhile, the ‘our universe’ Doctor uses the time-fracture to finally save the character Adric – from the 1982 story Earthshock – thus preventing the dinosaurs from becoming extinct and alters the course of evolution so that all the human characters become reptiles.

“It’s such a mindeo, Stephen Hawking is going to love this.”

Professor Stephen Hawking said: “The stories are way too complicated for me, I watch it for the monsters and the cute girl.”

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Farage attacked by Scottish Farage

NIGEL Farage stared through the looking glass yesterday as he was besieged in an Edinburgh pub by demented nationalists.

The UKIP leader had gone to Scotland to talk about why the country you come from is the most important thing about you, but was forced to flee by some furious Scottish people who believe exactly the same thing.

Farage said: “It was like Being John Malkovich. I looked out and saw lots of angry, Scottish versions of my own face.

“Thankfully, it has taught me absolutely nothing.”

Bill McKay, a Scottish Farage, said: “I want to kill that posh English bastard and his message of hate.”