Eastenders Is A Documentary, Insists Johnson

EASTENDERS is a gritty, fascinating documentary that has proven invaluable to understanding London life, Boris Johnson said last night.

The London mayor has signed-up to appear in at least one episode of the show and said he cannot wait to meet some of the city's most colourful characters.

He added: "I would like to ask Ian Beale what I can do for small businessmen who never really seem to get anywhere and I'd also like to invite Peggy Mitchell to head a mayoral task force on knees-ups.

"And of course I want to pay my condolences to the family of Pauline Beale. Unfortunately I was unable to attend her memorial service because I had to go to the funeral of an actress named Wendy Richard."

Mr Johnson wants to use his appearance on the show to kick start an international campaign to promote jellied food products and raise funds for his pearly king and queen sanctuary.

Meanwhile the mayor's advisors have tried illustrating the show's fictional nature by playing tapes of Dirty Den's resurrection, but this was dismissed as 'nothing more than cockney voodoo magic, as practised by Chas and Dave when they sing 'rabbit' with supernatural speed'.

Emma Gerving, an assistant producer, said: "We have prepared a story line which would see Mr Johnson asking lots of patronising questions before being dragged into the bogs at the Queen Vic and given a right good kicking.

"But if he's absolutely sure it's a documentary then we could make it very convincing."

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Report Proposes Royal College Of Mouthy, Teenage Skanks

MOUTHY teenage skanks who think they are better than you should be awarded full professional recognition, according to a major new report.

Former health secretary Alan Milburn said children from poor, skanky backgrounds are failing to break into high-status professions, mainly because they are so lazy and stupid.

And in a ground-breaking study he claims the only reason children from affluent backgrounds are able to become lawyers and doctors is because they have passed all the necessary exams.

In a bid to increase social mobility he is calling for university status to be awarded to bingo halls and wants well-mannered children from homes with ensuite shower-rooms to be as badly educated as cheeky, aggressive children from homes with large second-hand television sets.

He said: "We must also raise their ambitions in a way they can relate to. As most poor people spend an awful lot of time watching television, perhaps we need more programmes about doctors and lawyers."

He added: "Poor people would make excellent judges. By watching the Jeremy Kyle show everyday many of them have developed an acute sense of right and wrong.

"Is there anyone better qualified to preside over a dispute between two big fat sisters with dark green tatooes who have both been impregnated twice by the same retard?"

But Bill McKay, a lawyer from Darlington, said: "I know quite a few working class professionals, but not once have I met a plasterer and thought, 'given the right opportunities this man could have been professor of 19th century French literature at Cambridge'."

Meanwhile Tom Logan, a binman from Stevenage, said: "I work 35 hours a week, I have a good pension and I go on holiday twice a year. And I'll bet you my perfectly good car that I'm happier than most of the Guardian-reading cocksuckers who think I need their help."