Eight Tories and the parts they'll be playing in panto next Christmas

MATT Hancock is appearing in Mother Goose at Crewe Lyceum – oh no he isn’t! But he’ll surely be reduced to doing panto next year, along with these former cabinet colleagues.

Penny Mordaunt as Peter Pan at the Bristol Hippodrome

In this vision of Christmas future the MP for Pompey North will play Peter Pan. Probably in the exact costume and sword she wielded at King Charles’ coronation last year, which she’s probably nicked from work. Tick-Tock the crocodile will be replaced by a toe-curling TikTok dance and Laurence Fox will play Captain Hook. Avoid.

Rishi Sunak as all seven dwarfs at the Bradford Alhambra

Fresh from a landslide election loss, Dishy Rishi pivots directly into panto. He takes on the role of all seven dwarfs, a bit like Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor, and every bit as shit. Instead of Sneezy, Happy and Bashful, they will now have names like Capable, Dependable and Fiscally Responsible. By the end audiences are sick of innuendos about him ‘eating out to help out’. Closed by December 9th. 

James Cleverly as Dick Whittington, Milton Keynes Theatre

Too dense to notice the rest of the cast are really emphasising the word ‘Dick’, Cleverly makes a convincing chancer who lucks out by having a cat during a rat infestation. Throughout the performance the audience thumb through their programmes wondering if the understudy is on, as they’ve literally no idea who this man is. Ticket sales suffer. The locals preferred Anton Du Beke doing it back in 2007.

Boris Johnson and Michael Fabricant as the ugly sisters at The Sunderland Empire

Johnson deviates slightly from the traditional role by attempting to shag Cinderella, while Fabricant is popular with the costume designer for not needing to be fitted for a ridiculous wig. Unable to resist a spot of nepotism, Johnson gets Carrie a role, but only as a mouse, leading to a blazing drunken row on stage in front of 1,500 frightened children. Needless to say, Boris only shows up at one out of five performances because he’s got a first draft of a biography about Bernard Montgomery to hand in on January 10th and he hasn’t started it yet.

Priti Patel as the Beast at The Princess Theatre, Torquay

Giving the children of the South West nightmares is Dame Priti as the troubled protagonist in Beauty and the Beast. She effortlessly portrays a character who is terrifying, feral and has a taste for human blood. Whichever poor Emmerdale actress is cast as Belle is visibly scared of her on stage. Priti follows this success with another panto in 2025. Unfortunately she’s sacked as Captain Hook for her unscripted comments about migrant boats.

Jacob Rees-Mogg in Jack and the Beanstalk at the King’s Theatre, Glasgow.

The show is a pain in the arse to watch after Rees-Mogg insists on performing his part in Latin, not ideal for the primary school trips filling the theatre. Jack takes over an hour to climb the beanstalk due to frequent pauses to address the crowd with sneering anti-EU rhetoric. As the boos increase, Rees-Mogg loses his rag and calls the baffled kiddies ‘woke leftist snowflakes’. Jack’s mother is played by Michael Gove in drag. She throws most of the ‘magic beans’ in the garden, but hangs onto a few in case she can’t get hold of her usual dealer up in Scotland.

David Cameron as Aladdin at a yet-to-be-built theatre in Riyadh

The foreign secretary completes his comeback with a memorable turn as Aladdin. To prove he’s not being swayed by his frequent trips to the Middle East and the Saudi billionaires he’s rubbing shoulders with, he agrees to open their first ever panto. He’s paid an eye-watering £300k a performance and his love interest Jasmine is played by Cristiano Ronaldo. After this lucrative gig, Cameron accepts an offer to fight Tyson Fury for a £50 million purse, causing him to be beaten to a smooth pulp.

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Pint, fight, pint pint fight: How to have a traditional Black Eye Friday

IT’S the most aggressive day of the year, but how do you have a traditional Black Eye Friday that’s both violent and festive? Here’s a guide to this magical drunken event.

Open your Black Eye Friday presents

Just like Christmas, Black Eye Friday begins with the traditional opening of presents. Unlike Christmas though, these aren’t delivered by a benevolent supernatural being who’s been keeping a close eye on your behaviour. No, they’re a six-pack of Tennents Super you picked up from the petrol station last night. And the opening doesn’t involve tearing off wrapping paper but prising up a ring pull. 

Go for a seasonal stagger

Once you’re pissed up, it’s time to go for a joyous Black Eye Friday stagger to a heaving local pub. On the way you’ll likely bump into other revellers celebrating the special day, so don’t forget to greet them in the appropriate manner by telling them to ‘Back the f**k off, mate’ or asking them ‘if they want some’. If you’re lucky you might even get into a scrap before reaching your destination.

Pint, fight, pint pint fight

The celebrations really get underway when you’re at the pub and you’ve necked a dozen more pints. Just as Christmas Day is punctuated by traditions like the King’s Speech and a big roast dinner, Black Eye Friday wouldn’t feel complete without a slap-up spread of a drink followed by a punch up, then a couple more pints and a brawl. If you don’t come away from the night with a black eye and a missing tooth, you’re not getting into the spirit of it.

Puke on a paramedic

The emergency services will rock up at some point in the revelry to drag away lightweights. If you’ve paced yourself and managed not to get knocked out, you’ll be able to indulge in the merry Black Eye Friday game of vomiting all over a paramedic as they try to check you’ve not got fatal alcohol poisoning. If they don’t report you to the police, you win.

Pass out in the street

You’ll be tired after a long day of getting pissed and punching innocent strangers, but don’t worry about forking out for a pricey taxi to take you home. Instead, just gently keel over on the nearest, most comfortable looking bit of pavement and get some shut-eye. With any luck you’ll be magically transported to a hospital bed, ready to do it all over again to a lesser extent on Black Eye Friday Boxing Day.