Entire BBC relocates to Paris

EVERY single BBC employee has travelled to France to ensure the best possible coverage of Euro 2016.

20,000 staff have been flown out to the BBC’s White City complex, which has been dismantled and reassembled on the outskirts of Paris at a cost of £78 million.

HR manager Susan Traherne said: “Although my job doesn’t have any obvious link to Euro 2016, I have to work from this penthouse overlooking the Seine for operational reasons.

“And the same goes for the logistics team, risk and of course IT, who we couldn’t place in Paris itself so are booked in the Sequoia Lodge at Disneyland Paris.

“It’s really revitalised our working practices. For example, we now have a six-hour lunch.”

BBC director general Tony Hall said: “This move was absolutely necessary to give Euro 2016 the coverage the British people demand.

“I only hope England don’t cause us problems by remaining in past the group stage, because in less than two weeks all 20,000 of us are due to arrive in Glastonbury.”

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Mobile library playing ice-cream van music just to f**k kids up

THE driver of a mobile library is playing the chimes of an ice-cream van on his rounds as the perfect way to upset children, he has confirmed. 

Librarian Roy Hobbs of Ludlow admitted he loves seeing kids stream out of their homes only to be faced with a selection of large-print Martina Cole novels.

He said: “It’s the disappointment on their little faces.

“They rush to the back of the van clutching their fivers and get offered a choice of Martin Amis, Ruth Rendell or the later work of Stephen King, and they just crumple up into tears.

“Occasionally I dip Bleak House into hundreds and thousands or stick a flake into some Will Self short stories, just to make it that bit crueller.”

Hobbs added: “It’s for their own good really, because books are better for you than ice-cream.

“Well, that’s what I tell them.”