THE new series of Euphoria features Sydney Sweeney making kinky OnlyFans content, but is it worth watching just for that? No, as these taught us:
Saltburn (2023)
Definitely delivers on its promise of Barry Keoghan prancing around with a big dangly cock, but the novelty wears off. The transgressive scenes, such as drinking spunky bathwater, are hardly groundbreakingly erotic. If you’re male you can do that yourself without adding to your catalogue of unfinished streaming movies.
Euphoria (2019-2026)
Sweeney, Zendaya and Elordi make it tempting, but it’s essentially trauma porn and when the drama ramps up you’ll puncture your eardrums to make the screaming stop. Want to see terrible, degrading things happen to young people? Simply hang around your local bus station.
Don’t Look Now (1973)
Audiences famously thought the sex scene was real, but it’s not and is rather too arty for a good strum. It’s intercut with a montage of the couple getting ready to go out, so masturbators may find themselves climaxing over Donald Sutherland faffing around with a coathanger.
The Wolf of Wall Street (2013)
Like Basic Instinct, entertaining nonsense that isn’t really worth the bother of pausing the muff scene even in convenient digital format. By contrast you get ample time to take in Jonah Hill frantically masturbating in public while off his head on Quaaludes, and it will stay with you.
The Singing Detective (1986)
If you were drawn to this series for the sex you’ll soon discover a nine-year-old boy being traumatised by seeing his mum have an adulterous shag in the woods isn’t particularly hot. If Joanne Whalley applying vaseline to psoriasis victim Michael Gambon’s penis makes you aroused, then you’ve hit the jackpot.
Wuthering Heights (2025)
Among director Emerald Fennell’s various edgy anachronisms is Cathy wanking on the Yorkshire Moors. Even if you’re powerfully in favour of watching Margot Robbie get off, she looks cold and you wish the poor woman would go indoors.
The Substance (2024)
Plenty of titillating shots of Demi Moore and Margaret Qualley in lycra, but as it’s a scathing parody of the male gaze and the objectification of women you’ll going to feel incredibly guilty throughout. The equivalent of watching Pornhub if the actors kept turning to camera saying ‘God, you disgust me!’ Which for some would make it hotter.
