Eurovision to finally put Liverpool on the musical map

EUROVISION will finally give Liverpool a musical heritage after previously contributing absolutely nothing to the art form.

Residents have welcomed the song contest with open arms as it marks the end of a popular music drought which began when the borough was founded by King John in 1207.

Liverpudlian Tom Booker said: “I can’t believe it. Liverpool? Famous for music? If it wasn’t for all the Eurovision coverage on TV I would’ve said you’re taking the piss.

“We’re a notoriously tone-deaf city. Our best attempts at making music up to this point have been banging on bits of metal in the Cammell Laird shipyard, the theme from Bread, and calling Manchester United fans wankers. None of which charted.

“By hosting a contest with performers from across Europe and a UK act from London, which we love, we can finally make our mark on musical history. 

“Maybe now people will flock to Liverpool for our musical significance as well as our laid-back football fans. We’d better not go over the top though and base our whole identity around it. That risks looking tacky and would likely get tedious very fast.”

Mayor of Liverpool Joanne Anderson said: “Ukraine isn’t the star of the show. It’s all about us, Liverpool, the city that was the home of China Crisis.”

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Chihuahua: tiny, mean and easy to sit on. The worst breeds of dog ranked

ALL dogs are shit, but some breeds of dogs are far, far shitter than others. These are the five worst: 

Samoyed: never shuts the f**k up

Samoyeds are friendly dogs and they look gorgeous with all that snow-white fur. However, they’re let down by the fact that they bark excessively in a loud, high-pitched voice. You get enough grief from your partner, so the last thing you want at home is another dickhead who won’t shut up.

Chihuahua: tiny, mean and easy to sit on

The diminutive size of a chihuahua undoubtedly makes them cute, but it also makes them incredibly delicate little things that could be killed if you sat down without looking or opened a door that it was stood behind with too much force. Maybe that’s why they’ve got a hostile attitude and can get a bit nippy.

Greyhounds: too mad and leggy

If you’ve ever been in a small room with a greyhound you’ll know they’re all legs and insane skittish energy. A lot of the poor things have been rescued from a life of enforced racing, which explains their traumatised aura, but they can only jump categories from ‘nightmare hound’ to ‘very good dog’ if you have a large field for them to run around in on a regular basis.

Dalmatian: neurotic and angry

Like a particularly awful ex-boyfriend, Dalmatians have a reputation for being horribly clingy and aggressive towards strangers. They look incredible, but, as you’ll know if you’ve ever been in a toxic relationship with a human, good looks don’t make up for hanging out with someone who gets funny if anyone else so much as looks at you.

Poodle: high maintenance in every possible sense

The idea of a poodle is great: a cute pooch with lots of curly hair that you can clip to look like a teddy bear. The reality, however, is an anxious, nervy, bitey animal that you have to spend a fortune grooming, yet it still looks grubby and unkempt an hour after you’ve left the doggy salon. Honestly, just get a mongrel, it’s a lot less hassle.