I was losing faith in Trump. But now he's officially a sex attacker, I'm back in

By Trump supporter Tom Logan

TRUMP? Yesterday’s news. What’s he done since failing to overturn an election by sheer force of will? But now that’s all changed.

Because once again this maverick has wrested hold of the news agenda and confirmed he will be our next president, all by being found legally responsible for a sexual assault.

That’s the Trump I backed. That’s the man who made the whole world pay attention when he staged an insurrection. That’s my disruptor-in-chief.

Liberals, crybabies and the mentally ill see it as a bad thing. ‘Your guy’s a sex abuser! Nobody will vote for him now!’ Morons. He was a sex abuser before. It just didn’t have that gold seal of civil court approval.

‘He’ll have to pay $5 million!’ He never pays for anything. Hadn’t you noticed? Hadn’t you realised that’s why this beautiful, powerful billionaire represents the real America? He’ll soon be starting a crowdfunding page, you mark my words.

It took me back to his greatest hits. Injecting bleach. Fine Nazis. Buying Greenland. Cosy meetings with Putin and that triumphant rigged election. What a guy.

And now he’s officially a real American red-blooded sex attacker smiling and back on top, who would bet against him? Especially when there’s so much more to come?

Criminal charges for paying off a porn star, tampering in the Georgia election, the missing confidential files, a civil case for fraud – this witch hunt adds up to one hell of a presidential run.

Yes, Trump has confirmed he’s the candidate for success, for winners, for old-fashioned courtesy, for family values, for committed Christians and for anyone who really believes in democracy. Because with this guy, that’s how it works.

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Tofu delicious after incredibly complex process to make it not taste shit, explain vegetarians

VEGETARIANS have attempted to explain the complicated, multi-hour process required to make tofu not taste utterly horrific.

Devotees of the meat-free protein insisted it is tasty as long as it is ‘cooked right’, then outlined the arduous, alchemical steps needed to make tofu not taste of tofu as if that was normal.

Vegetarian Hannah Tomlinson said: “For some odd reason, people aren’t huge fans of bean mulch that’s been reconstituted into weird wobbly bricks.

“But if you follow these simple steps, everyone will surely love it. First, simmer it in salted water for 30 minutes – a minute over and it will disintegrate into inedible sludge.

“Then dry the tofu completely using an oven on low heat, an entire roll of paper towels, and a hairdryer, ideally two. This should take approximately two hours and by the end your tofu should have the texture of an ancient leather sandal unearthed in a bog. Delicious.”

Fellow veggie Jordan Gardner: “I simply let my tofu soak in soy sauce for two to three days, before cooking it in chilli and cayenne sauce so unbearably spicy I’m unable to actually taste anything.

“I think I might be permanently destroying my taste buds. Which is good because I can eat more tofu.”