Father-of-two ends summer holidays knowing full catalogue of Little Mix

A FATHER of two daughters has spent the last six weeks on an in-car crash course to learn every song by Little Mix.

Joseph Turner was only passingly familiar with the quartet before the break but can now perform Shout Out To My Ex in the shower without even knowing he is doing it.

He said: “Previously I was dimly aware of Little Mix due to their slightly concerning outfits. Now I know every track on all four albums and have favoured deep cuts.

“There’s something about hearing the same songs on repeat for a 12-hour drive, followed by constant reinforcement on the way to the beach, that sears their melodies into your soul even if you don’t actually like them.

“Jesy’s obviously my favourite member, though in a paternal, caring way, and I can’t wait for the release of their new album in Q4. I hope they move toward a Latin-influenced sound.”

Daughter Sophie Turner said: “Me and my sister have decided we can’t like Little Mix anymore now that Dad does.

“Instead we’re getting into his car CDs, so next year it’s Feelin’ Groovy all the way to Portugal.”

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Man who got surround sound looking for new ways to piss money up the wall

A MAN who bought an expensive Bose surround sound system for his tiny living room is looking for new ways to spunk away his income.

Sales executive Nathan Muir feels he should fritter more cash after the top-of-the-range ‘kit’ failed to make any noticeable difference to his quality of life.

Muir said: “You can literally hear the sound all around you. Admittedly my old speakers did that and I mainly just listen to Ed Sheeran but it’s brilliantly expensive.

“I live in a semi so I can’t have it too loud but it’s ‘6.1 technology’ so it must be good. I’d hate to be some twat with ‘5.1’ or a total loser with ‘4.1’.

“However I’m a bit disappointed it hasn’t solved all my problems in life, like my lack of meaningful relationships. The obvious conclusion is that I didn’t spend enough money.

“I think my next purchase needs to be a stupidly large telly with a menu that’s harder to operate than a space shuttle.

“I’m also researching the most overpriced virtual reality headsets. Spending a huge amount of cash on something that useless will definitely mask the emptiness.”

Muir is currently placing an order for a £595 microwave kettle you can operate remotely with your phone for some reason.

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