Things they're going to bollocks up in Star Wars: Episode IX

THE latest Star Wars trilogy has included some incredible bollocks like space Leia and tedious moralising. So what nonsense will be in the final instalment?

Jokes at really odd moments

Look out for the scene in which Poe Dameron asks General Hux “Are you a benny tied to a post?”. When Hux replies in the negative, Dameron delivers the devastating punchline: “Benny on the loose!”

Characters being illogical twats

Much of The Last Jedi hinged on people not telling each other important things for no good reason. Episode IX continues this theme with Leia deciding to join the Empire “for a laugh”.

Fucking around with the established universe for plot convenience

Watch with dismay as Rey and Finn decide they can’t escape in the Millennium Falcon because it hasn’t been in for its ‘space MOT’.

A horribly designed character

Who can forget Maz Kanata? No one, because her eyes looked like bumholes. Episode IX will feature Flimso Bampot, a Rebel pilot whose species suffers from constant noisy flatulence and looks like Jimmy Savile.

Obscure ‘Easter eggs’ for tragic fanboys

Are those Peter Cushing’s underpants from the deleted 1977 scene ‘Tarkin Does His Laundry’? AWESOME!!!

Adding a minor thing like it’s massively important

Much as the AT-AT walkers now have ‘shin guards’ to protect against harpoon cables, we will learn that stormtroopers have excellent pension schemes, which ‘explains’ why so many people are happy to serve the Empire.

Ruining a much-loved character

Obi-Wan returns as a Force ghost, but now he’s into dogging.

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F**king weirdo has genuine passion for telemarketing

A MAN who everyone assumed was lying about his “passion for telemarketing” has a genuine love of the shitty, time-wasting career.

Martin Bishop’s bosses at Telelink Solutions assumed he was just saying the right things in the interview for the cold-calling job, but now fear he may be evil.

Bishop said: “I love everything about telemarketing – the little headset, the soulless office, annoying hundreds of people a day with my ‘Have you had an accident recently?’ bullshit.

“I particularly enjoy being persistent when they’re clearly not interested. For me every second of their time I waste is a glorious victory.

“The best calls are when you make a confused elderly person all agitated and frightened. If one of their children is visiting and tells me to fuck off I just think ‘Job well done!’.

“Am I a bit strange? I don’t think so. I’ve got lots of perfectly normal hobbies like cutting the wings off bees and burning them to death with lighter fluid.”

Bishop’s boss Mary Fisher said: “I assumed Martin’s ‘passion for telemarketing’ was a lie but it’s not. He’s actually described it as ‘better than sex’ so now I try to avoid touching anything on his desk.

“He does work hard though.We’re not sure whether to give him a pay rise or have him sectioned under the Mental Health Act.”