Things they’re going to bollocks up in Star Wars: Episode IX

THE latest Star Wars trilogy has included some incredible bollocks like space Leia and tedious moralising. So what nonsense will be in the final instalment?

Jokes at really odd moments

Look out for the scene in which Poe Dameron asks General Hux “Are you a benny tied to a post?”. When Hux replies in the negative, Dameron delivers the devastating punchline: “Benny on the loose!”

Characters being illogical twats

Much of The Last Jedi hinged on people not telling each other important things for no good reason. Episode IX continues this theme with Leia deciding to join the Empire “for a laugh”.

Fucking around with the established universe for plot convenience

Watch with dismay as Rey and Finn decide they can’t escape in the Millennium Falcon because it hasn’t been in for its ‘space MOT’.

A horribly designed character

Who can forget Maz Kanata? No one, because her eyes looked like bumholes. Episode IX will feature Flimso Bampot, a Rebel pilot whose species suffers from constant noisy flatulence and looks like Jimmy Savile.

Obscure ‘Easter eggs’ for tragic fanboys

Are those Peter Cushing’s underpants from the deleted 1977 scene ‘Tarkin Does His Laundry’? AWESOME!!!

Adding a minor thing like it’s massively important

Much as the AT-AT walkers now have ‘shin guards’ to protect against harpoon cables, we will learn that stormtroopers have excellent pension schemes, which ‘explains’ why so many people are happy to serve the Empire.

Ruining a much-loved character

Obi-Wan returns as a Force ghost, but now he’s into dogging.