Woman confusing being very stressed with being very successful

A WOMAN who works long hours, never sees her friends and worries about her job constantly thinks she is doing very well at life, she has confirmed.

Francesca Johnson works as an area sales manager for a high street fashion brand, a job she takes incredibly seriously despite the fact that it doesn’t really matter and one day she will be dead.

Johnson said: “I get up at 5.30am and go to the gym, then eat a yoghurt at my desk whilst stressing out pointlessly over the latest sales figures for two-tone belted midi dresses.

“After that I look at spreadsheets and drink a shitload of coffee until I’ve got a splitting headache. I get home about 8.30pm, eat some Super Noodles because I’m too knackered to cook and then spend a few minutes checking Facebook before bed.

“There are always loads of pictures of my friends out enjoying themselves, but they can’t be achieving much if they’ve got all that time for just dicking about.

“I expect I’ll die early from a stress-induced heart attack but that will just prove how incredibly demanding and important my life has been.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Londoners moving up north for better quality of being loathed

LONDON residents are moving in numbers to the north and Midlands in search of a simpler, purer way of being generally disliked.

Young metropolitan professionals are finding it increasingly hard to be despised in formerly affordable hotspots like Brixton and Hackney and have been forced to look further afield.

Former Londoner Susan Traherne said: “It was a tough decision, but we moved to Leeds two years ago in the hope of meeting ‘real’ gritty people who don’t work in branding or marketing and will absolutely detest us.

“We really haven’t looked back. Where we are now we get called southern pricks day in, day out without having to do anything at all.

“At our local cafe they wouldn’t even let me plug my laptop in because it’s ‘taking the piss’ and when I did it anyway the old lady proprietor banned me for life. We love it!”

Liverpudlian Wayne Hayes said: “It’s a real boost to have this influx of scapegoats from London. I just can’t get enough of earnestly telling them that the nearest Waitrose is in Toxteth.”