Fuck Nativity plays, we're doing The Godfather, say five year-olds

THE number of primary schools ditching the traditional Christmas nativity in favour of key scenes from The Godfather is at an all-time high.

According to the National Confederation of Parent Teacher Associations, a majority of five year-olds would now prefer to recreate the meeting between the Heads of the Five Families instead of the birth of Jesus.

Dylan Stephenson, a year one pupil at St Bald’s in Northampton said: “I’m playing Sonny because Miss Hayes reckons I’m a bit of a hot-head. Bada-bing!

“In the play my friend Ben Holdsworth calls my little sister a ‘guinea brat’ so I come on and hit him over the head with a dustbin lid.”

Dylan added: “My friend Charlie is playing Sollozzo the Turk because he went to Cyrpus on his holidays and told us all about it. He gets shot in the face.

“And my friend Jack Barnes is going to be Luca Brasi because he’s a big fatty tum-tum.”

Church leaders have expressed disappointment at the secular nature of The Godfather, but said they took some consolation from a year-on-year increase in the number of primary schools performing scenes from The Exorcist.

Meanwhile, Jack Barnes admitted he was intrigued by the role of the Corleones’ faithful enforcer, adding: “I’m going to sleep with the fishies!”



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Bra Research Must Go On, Vows Scientist

THE RESEARCHER developing an intelligent bra says there is ‘no way’ it is finished and that he may have to carry on studying women’s breasts for decades. 

Dr Tom Logan, head of breasts at the Tits Institute, said reports his bra research was complete were ‘irresponsible’, and could stop women volunteering to help with his work.

He said: “I would love to say that my intelligent bra was now a reality, I really would, but I think I will probably end up working on this project for the rest of my life.”

Dr Logan has devoted his life to developing a super-bra that will stop women’s breasts bouncing around during exercise, but with very limited success so far.

Unlike rival researchers who use sophisticated laser measuring techniques to gauge levels of bounce Dr Logan personally observes his volunteers using his bras as they jog before him on a treadmill.

He said: “I only got into this line of work by accident after my university rejected my initial proposal to look into intelligent panties. But it has proved hugely rewarding.”

Most of the research takes place in Dr Logan’s office, which is equipped with a treadmill, video camera, heavy curtains and tissues.

All joggers are asked to wear blindfolds to prevent anything they see interfering with the experiments, while Dr Logan always removes his trousers in case they affect the results.

He added: “People often ask me what possible scientific benefit can arise from spending hours in a darkened room watching a woman with large breasts jog on the spot on front of you in a not very supportive bra. Imagine if they had said that to Einstein? He would never have invented the atom bomb.”