Festival of Brexit cancelled due to everything about it

A FESTIVAL to promote Brexit has been cancelled because it was an incredibly terrible idea on every level, the organisers have revealed.

The event had been dogged by problems including administrative wrangles, performers pulling out and being the worst thing ever conceived by humanity.

Promoter Roy Hobbs said: “When your headline acts are an Elvis impersonator and three members of Bucks Fizz that’s not a festival, it’s just a weird dream.

“Not many Brexiters would have come anyway because a lot are elderly and think festivals are full of dirty hippies with Hendrix perms injecting heroin and saying ‘man’.”

Brexiter Donna Sheridan said: “I just don’t understand how a festival with Nigel Farage, an orchestra and some of Bucks Fizz could go wrong.

“It’s clearly a conspiracy by the EU because they want to destroy traditional English culture like Making Your Mind Up. ”

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Harry leaves rambling, drunken apology on Queen's answerphone

THE Duke of Sussex has left an embarrassing drunken apology on the Queen’s answerphone, the palace has confirmed.

The slurred and tearful message was left at 3am this morning ahead of crisis talks with senior royals at Sandringham.

Her Majesty, who played the voicemail to an amused Duke of Edinburgh, said: “Bad move, mate. Bad move.

“I’ve let some of your sh*t slide over the years because you had a rough start, but don’t think this is going to get you off the hook.

“And you can bet your arse we’re going to be listening to this howler from start to finish while we all try to figure out your ‘next steps’, or whatever.

“The message goes on for over half an hour so it’s hard for me to pick out my favourite moment. But I did enjoy that bit where it sounds like you puked down yourself and said ‘see you at the Invictus Games?’”

Sources confirmed the Queen replied via Whatsapp with ‘new phone, who dis?’ accompanied by the tears of joy emoji.