Tuesday, 21st January 2020

This year’s top five bullsh*t food trends

2020 will see chefs, restaurant owners and ‘foodies’ continue to boil everyone’s piss. Here are five predictions for the year’s most bullsh*t food trends.

Two plates
Restaurateurs heard what the public was saying in 2019. They will be going back to using plates to serve food, but one plate on top of another.

NerdFasting
Rolling a Dungeons and Dragons-style 12-sided die every day and eating however many meals are shown. As the dice go up to 12 the efficacy of this diet is expected to be ‘low-medium’.

Astronaut bars
Ever wanted to try dehydrated beef? And have you ever wanted to piss yourself in front of your boss? Astronaut bars offer the full experience of dining in space with genuine NASA rations, spacesuits you have to piss in, and a nagging feeling you would rather be back home.

Laudanum
Forget gin. The real scourge of Victorian London was this opiate-based libation. In 2020 we predict a flurry of Laudanum bars opening across the capital, followed by a crash in productivity not seen since the Second World War.

Belgian food
It’s just British food with mayonnaise, but why the f*ck not?