This year’s top five bullsh*t food trends

2020 will see chefs, restaurant owners and ‘foodies’ continue to boil everyone’s piss. Here are five predictions for the year’s most bullsh*t food trends.

Two plates
Restaurateurs heard what the public was saying in 2019. They will be going back to using plates to serve food, but one plate on top of another.

Rolling a Dungeons and Dragons-style 12-sided die every day and eating however many meals are shown. As the dice go up to 12 the efficacy of this diet is expected to be ‘low-medium’.

Astronaut bars
Ever wanted to try dehydrated beef? And have you ever wanted to piss yourself in front of your boss? Astronaut bars offer the full experience of dining in space with genuine NASA rations, spacesuits you have to piss in, and a nagging feeling you would rather be back home.

Forget gin. The real scourge of Victorian London was this opiate-based libation. In 2020 we predict a flurry of Laudanum bars opening across the capital, followed by a crash in productivity not seen since the Second World War.

Belgian food
It’s just British food with mayonnaise, but why the f*ck not?

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How to go easy on people who wear hats

WINTER headgear makes most people look like a complete twat, so it can be hard not to make assumptions. Here’s how to avoid snap-judgements:

There are hundreds of ways to balance a beret on your head and even the French are yet to find one that does not look godawful. Give this poser some credit for taking on an impossible challenge.

Pompom Beanie
This arse has chosen to look like a weird overgrown child. But remember, the brighter and bigger the pompom, the more they are secretly dying inside. Go easy on them.

Traditional thinking tells us that fedora equals wanker. But maybe this tit is not trying to be Don Draper. Maybe they are more down-to-earth. Like Michael Jackson. Or Freddy Kruger.

Flat cap
The hat of choice amongst men who are mourning their lost hair. Nobody deserves more sympathy, so try to set your judgement aside.

Hat with animal ears
A hat with bear/cat/rabbit ears on top? There can be no excuse for this. Unless the person wearing it happens to be a dog. That would be unspeakably cute, unlike this bastard.