Festival offers selection of acts you would not pay to see individually

THIS spring and summer’s festivals are offering attendees the opportunity to see a collection of bands they may not be huge fans of but offer decent value in aggregate. 

The festival season means thousands will see acts like Craig David, Young Fathers, Jessie Ware, Royal Blood, Craig David (DJ set) and Shygirl without ever really wanting to but enjoying it nonetheless.

Festival attendee Francesca Johnson said: “Couldn’t get tickets for Glasto, but fancied dancing in a field to a band you didn’t know were Toploader until they played that one song? Well now you can!

“There’s a wide range of low-cost events featuring bands you had no idea were still touring, some of which have up to 40 per cent of their original members. And a falafel stall.

“£140 for the weekend may sound pricey to some, but where else can you see Soul II Soul, Chumbawamba, Katy B and an Elton John tribute all on the same bill?

“Divide the money by time on stage and that’s excellent value, even if you only catch Big Thief while queuing for a £9 pint of Carling. There’s also a comedy tent but you won’t find it.

“The best bit is that each band only does about 40 minutes, which is just about time for them to run through every song of theirs you might have heard of. No wasting time with album tracks here!”

Tom Logan said: “The Horrors and Catfish and the Bottlemen on the same stage? I vaguely remember both of them, can’t wait!”

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We ask you: should cafes ban laptops and their overpaid scum users?

A CANTERBURY cafe has banned laptops and claims it has helped build a community. Should others do the same? 

Jim Bates, software designer: “So I pay £4.80 for a coffee and a chat with wankers? F**k that for a business model.”

Jules Cook, poet: “But they haven’t banned original 1964 Olivetti typewriters? Sounds like me and the lads from Hell’s Hipsters have a new HQ.”

Lottie Phleps, barista: “Well, someone’s lost a valuable income stream of stealing Amazon logins by installing surveillance bots on the wifi.”

Jo Kramer, marketing consultant: “They shouldn’t ban them, just confiscate them and put them in a drawer and the customers can’t have them back until they ask for them, muttering and shamefaced, at the end of the day.”

Steve Malley, florist: “I’m bringing in a desktop PC, an ultrawide monitor and surround sound speakers. F**king the Man through a loophole.”