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Sunak pins hopes on new pandemic

THE prime minister plans to recover from today’s election results by launching a new pandemic and furloughing everyone.

Looking back to the peak of his popularity, Sunak is convinced his proven ability to reward Britain for staying home and doing f**k all will prompt a resurgence in the polls.

A Downing Street source said: “He’s sending grassroots volunteers across the world to eat, rub and couple with a range of exotic species to pick up whatever communicable diseases they can.

“Then they return home, attend a number of large indoor events  – if Co-op Live’s managed to f**king open by then – shag a wide range of people at all levels of society, and kickstart a pandemic which will travel the globe killing millions.

“Once everyone’s back indoors and terrified a reassuring Sunak will appear on TV telling everyone not to worry, to stay indoors, hands face space, all that shite and he’ll be paying everyone with money printed just that morning.

“New vaccine, gradual reopening of pubs, everyone hugely relieved, massive Tory win and we’ll worry about how to pay off £40 billion of additional debt later.”