Fifty Shades of Grey sparks trend for being blindfolded in the cinema

PEOPLE being dragged to see Fifty Shades of Grey are wearing blindfolds so that they can sleep.

31-year-old Tom Booker, whose wife likes the books, said: “This blindfold is really spicing up being made to sit through this tepid wish-fulfilment tripe.

“I can have a nice nap, having asked her to wake me for the nudity.”

26-year-old Mary Fisher said: “I’m being made to go by a friend who is obsessed with the wholly fictional idea of a man who is both rich and physically attractive.

“Luckily I can use this sleek satin blindfold to avoid seeing either the screen or her getting a bit turned on.”

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A vote for the SNP ‘is a vote for the Lib Dems is a vote for the Tories is a vote for UKIP’

VOTERS have demanded clarification after being told that whoever they vote for they are actually voting for someone else. 

As every party warns that voting for anyone but them will let another party in by the back door, bewildered voters are struggling to find a way to turn their vote into anything but another disaster. 

Tom Logan of Dundee said: “I was going to vote SNP, but apparently that’s a vote for the Tories and if they win then they’ll be puppets dancing on UKIP’s strings, so that’s out. 

“So I thought I’d vote Green, but that weakens the Lib Dem vote, leaving the Democratic Unionists as Westminster kingmakers and making the late Ian Paisley our new patron saint. 

“Then I was told that if I vote UKIP, the Tories will lose and Labour will get in with no choice but to follow the SNP’s radical taxes-pay-for-public-services agenda, which is what I originally wanted. 

“But I can’t shake this nagging suspicion that if I vote UKIP, I might actually end up voting UKIP.”

Pollster Roy Hobbs said: “That’s the beauty of the first-past-the-post system. It’s so straightforward.”