Five films morons think are clever

THINK a film being slightly difficult to follow makes it a work of genius and you a genius for watching it? Idiots claim these are cerebral masterpieces: 

Shutter Island

When a film’s twist makes you think ‘Why the f**k would anyone do that?’ you know you’re on to a winner. The revelation that lovely Leonardo DiCaprio was crazy and that his doctors were fostering his delusions only to lobotomise him at the end is so completely bollocks that you’d be hard-pressed to find a stupider clever film.

The Village

Follows in the footsteps of The Sixth Sense by not revealing what’s happening until the very end, but this time the reveal makes no sense whatsoever. If the village is in the modern day why are there no planes or helicopters? Why do they never hear any road noise or illegal raves? Do the villagers never stop to wonder where the monsters get those fabulous red cloaks?


Another DiCaprio gem, Inception is pleasant enough if you don’t bother to think about it. When you do you’ll go through six layers of trying to find the point of all this reality-bending where the first half is spent establishing the rules and the second half spent ignoring them. Any film that might all be a dream is aggressively wasting your time.

2001: A Space Odyssey

It’s a classic of filmmaking, but 53 years on there’s no shame in admitting that even Kubrick’s first ‘level of interpretation’ is a mindf**k and it may just be that it doesn’t make much sense. Like, anything after the third monolith you’re better off letting wash over you. It was the 60s. Coloured lightshows were considered intrinsically worthwhile.

Mulholland Drive

What you have to remember to understand this award-winning masterpiece is: David Lynch was going to make a TV series, like Twin Peaks, but the financers didn’t like the pilot so he hastily converted it into a movie with money from Frenchmen who don’t care whether films make sense as long as they’re sexy. That’s it. That’s the explanation.

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Boris naked outside Westminster on rope after being caught shagging Gove's wife a 'non-story', says BBC

THE BBC will not report on Boris Johnson absailing down Westminster Palace naked after being caught in flagrante with Sarah Vine because it is a ‘non-story’. 

BBC journalists have explained that covering the unclothed prime minister swinging on a bedsheet rope is ‘not in the public interest’.

Helen Archer of Newsnight said: “So Gove, Rees-Mogg and the Speaker of the House walked into the Stranger’s Bar to find Boris making love to Mail columnist Sarah Vine on a bed of £5 million in public cash? So what?

“I don’t think Britain at large really cares if he ran for it nude, knotted bedsheets together, leapt out of a window and is dangling 90 feet above the Thames, buttocks pressed against glass while the Archbishop of Canterbury recoils shocked inside.

“Does it really matter that Michael Gove is stalking the corridors of the Commons with a shotgun, vowing to ‘get that two-timing double-dealing snake’ and has already shot two MPs and a peer in error? Not to our audience.

“Let’s focus on the real issues, like Slough’s new flood prevention scheme and the BBC director-general Tim Davie definitely not standing behind me right now.”

Later today the BBC will lead on an investigation into new questions about legal action regarding an inquiry into possible irregularities in Nicola Sturgeon’s campaign funding structure, in the interests of balance.