Five Launches New Series Of 'Crime Scene Navy Crime'

THE long wait is over for fans of fast-moving US police dramas as Channel Five screens the new series of Crime Scene Navy Crime.

The complex drama, known as CSNC to its legions of fans, is America's most popular show about a team of ocean-going forensic detectives.

Gil Gerard, who shot to fame as the star of Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, plays Navy Crime Forensic Investigations Officer Gavin Barton, a dedicated but cynical veteran who still holds the naval record for tying the most knots inside a minute.

His co-star Erin Gray, who shot to fame as Wilma Deering in Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, plays Rear Admiral Brian Davis, Barton's dedicated but cynical commading officer.

The two characters are at the centre of a tantalising will-they-won't-they sexual jousting match.

Wayne Hayes, a media analyst said: "There are very few shows left about forensic detectives where so much of the action takes place in a naval setting.

"CSNC is continually challenging the viewer and finding new ways to investigate crimes that have been committed at sea."

He added: "I love the way they use special effects so that you can see what's happening inside the brain of the detective as, piece by piece, he uncovers the childhood betrayal that led to the theft of a walkman on board the USS Walter Mondale."

Since 1996 the CSNC franchise has generated 37 spin-offs including CSNC: Aberystwyth, CSNC: Gone Fishin' and CSNC: Rascals of the Barbary Coast.


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Idiots To Waste Two More Years At School

THE age at which idiots can leave school without any qualifications is to be raised from 16 to 18, the Government announced last night.

Under the new plan, disruptive morons will spend an extra two years at the back of the class being clueless and sharpening their knives as part of the government’s strategy to turn schools into unremitting hell holes by 2015.

Teaching unions have welcomed the initiative describing the idea of forcing aggressive sociopaths to carry on attending an educational establishment which had already failed them as “a stroke of genius”.

Ed Balls, the schools secretary, said: “After 11 years of full-time education the vast majority of children in Britain are unable to spell their own name or go to the toilet unaided.

“They can’t write, do multiplication or long division or speak in a language any adult can understand.

“Let's keep them locked in this disastrous environment until we can subdue them no longer.”

Bill McKay, head teacher at Dundee Academy, said that he was looking forward to carrying on teaching the most  useless pupils but only because he was a “twisted psychopath”.

He said: “The only way we can keep order round here at the moment is with liberal use of the cattle prod. If this goes through I’m going to need sandbags, mace and tasers. Lots of tasers.”