Five romantic heroes who would definitely not be like that in real life

DO you find the leading men in romantic films completely unbelievable? That’s because they are. Here’s how they’d be in real life:

Jude Law’s character in The Holiday

A widower looking like Jude Law, with two adorable children? There is no way Cameron Diaz would have found him forlorn and loveable in a Surrey village at Christmas. He would have already been snapped up by a brittle divorcee in a giant SUV halfway through his wife’s funeral.

Alex Fletcher in Music and Lyrics

Men are not typically known for writing hit songs to apologise for arguments in front of a crowd of thousands. In real life Drew Barrymore would have cried for a week then tried to patch things up before realising Fletcher had already started dating a glamour model.

Emma Thompson’s husband in Love Actually

Are we actually meant to believe that wizened old Harry would have been so relentlessly pursued by his aggressively sultry PA? If it was real life, she would be out clubbing with people her own age while he went gratefully home to his lovely wife and popped on a Joni Mitchell CD to listen to whilst they made dinner on their expensive Aga.

Mark Darcy in Bridget Jones’s Diary

Confronted with a girlfriend who arrives at parties with eyeshadow on her cheeks and runs around in her pants in the snow, any human rights lawyer worth his salt would ditch ‘just as she is’ Bridget for almost anyone else, leaving Bridget to sell her inexplicably centrally-located flat, move to the country and get a cat.

Jake Ryan from Sixteen Candles

It is not entirely convincing that gorgeous Michael Schoeffling would have noticed cripplingly shy Molly Ringwald over his bombshell blonde girlfriend, but it’s preferable to focus on that than the secondary character Long Duk Dong, who makes the Chinese gangster in The Hangover look like a nuanced portrait of Asian manhood.

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Five very strange posts on your local online community group

ARE you signed up to a local community group like Nextdoor, WhatsApp or similar? Here are some of the odder posts that will puzzle you. 

Where can I find a plumber? 

Have you tried Google? Or maybe ask another human being, sometimes known as a ‘friend’ or ‘relative’. There isn’t a plumber shortage in the UK, so it’s not like trying to find a rogue physicist who will build you an atom bomb. 

I’ve found a dead cat

The poster will report this tragic incident, but not have actually done anything about it. The description of the cat will be totally useless for any worried owner missing their moggie, eg. ‘It was a furry cat.’

Anti-vaxx nonsense 

A harmless post saying ‘Hope you’re all staying safe!’ will inevitably attract the attention of at least one loon who thinks wearing a mask in shops is the worst kind of fascism, and will start a furious argument with the original poster who was just being nice to people. 

Attempting to sell things no one would ever want to buy

The sheer optimism of people trying to get rid of rubbish for a tiny profit is impressive. Do you need an ancient copy of Riders by Jilly Cooper, for 50p and which you’ll have to collect yourself? Or an old fax machine or some flip flops? Probably not.

Desperate pleas for human contact

‘I’m Graham. Just moved here to Station Avenue, would love to get to know people’, etc. But the post will never contain details of what Graham is interested in or the sort of people he’d like to meet. It’s unlikely anyone will ever reply for fear of meeting a clingy loner or a possible serial killer.