Five school lessons kids can learn at Thorpe Park

WORRIED your kids will fall behind now the schools are shut? Pack them off to Thorpe Park where they’ll learn these classroom classics.

What goes up must come down

Newton’s law of universal gravitation is a bit of a chore to understand on paper. A ride on Colossus brings the theory to life because when you go round the vertical loop your lunch will rise up from your stomach and spill down your front.

How to calculate speed

A completely irrelevant skill that nobody uses in real life. Nerds can measure the length of Nemesis Inferno and divide it by the ride time if they must, meanwhile everyone else will just look it up on Wikipedia.

The power of peer pressure

An important lesson traditionally taught in the playground. Thorpe Park pushes a child’s peer pressure abilities to the limit by throwing inverted roller coasters into the mix. If they can persuade a terrified fellow student into riding Stealth they are destined for a career in something important, like politics.

Study hard or you might end up working here

Teachers are often a grim reminder of how a lack of aspiration could see you working in a stressful job that you aren’t appreciated for. Working at Thorpe Park provides a similar warning, especially when they have to mop up sick.

Life is full of misery

History lessons do their best to drive this point home, thanks to the Nazis, medieval beheadings and basically most of it. However standing in line for hours to ride The Swarm will underline the miserable futility of life in ways state education can only dream of.

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Secret to happy marriage 'not being attractive to anyone else'

MOST successful marriages are the result of couples being so physically repulsive they do not have any other options, experts have confirmed.

Despite the belief that enduring partnerships are based on mutual respect and kindness, research found that marriages last because neither partner is appealing in looks, personality, or both.

Roy Hobbs, who has been married for 35 years, said: “There’s no way Susan and I would have had such a long and happy marriage if I possessed the charm, wit or oral hygiene to attract a new partner.

“I’m blessed to have enjoyed a rock-solid relationship, safe in the knowledge that the grass is not only greener, but it will also never be interested in shagging me.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Marital contentment requires the acceptance that long-term commitment is not simply a boring compromise, but the only option, given that most people lose any hint of sexiness by the age of 26.

“If you find someone who shares your love of picking your teeth and undermining others, call it love and never let them go.”