F**k this shit I’m outta here, says Mary Berry

MARY Berry has quit The Great British Bake-Off because of all the bullshit going down.

Baking icon Berry said: “It was kind of cool doing the cake shit on the BBC but the way things have been going down lately I’m like, nah, I gotta bounce.

“I’m not into politics, I’m all about the baking. That’s how Mary rolls – just real straight-down-the-line cakes and gateaux, no corporate bullshit.

“But it’s cool, now I can chill at home on more of a relaxation kind of vibe.

“Maybe watch some 80s martial arts movies, drink tea, eat scones.”


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Windows 10 condemned by Amnesty International

WINDOWS 10 has been condemned by Amnesty International as cruel and inhumane.

Millions of people across the world have been wrongfully imprisoned in the latest version of the operating system, which stops them using the internet, communicating by email or even printing messages asking for help. 

User Nathan Muir said: “It’s like iron bars slammed down suddenly around my whole life. 

“I kept being warned it was coming, sure, and now I wish I’d packed a USB of my favourite files and headed for Linux where men still breathe free air, but it’s too late. 

“I’m trapped in a hellish OS, tortured 24 hours a day, no longer allowed even to see photographs of my family because it can’t find the files.

“Please handwrite me a letter on paper. It’s the only communication I can receive now.” 

An Amnesty spokesman said: “If you thought punishment like this were left behind long ago, in the dark days of Windows Vista, think again. 

“Death would be a merciful release for its victims. Or they could just use the internet on their phones.”