Flora kid grows up to be serial killer

THE young protagonist of the current Flora TV advert becomes a killer after seeing his parents having sex.

The commercial, entitled ‘Wrestlers by Josh’ is about a young boy who catches his parents fucking.

A Unilever spokesman said: “Naturally an impressionable youngster like that never recovers from the sight of his mum and dad rutting like beasts.

“As the story unfolds across several adverts we see him develop a fascination with knives – because of their phallic quality – while becoming increasingly violent and alienated.

“Then the disappearances start. And we discover that the best way to unwind after doing a murder is with some comforting toast covered in low-fat spread.”

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BT Sport aims to eradicate football

BT SPORT has bought the rights to the Champions League as part of a plan to eradicate football.

The corporation paid almost £900M to screen the games, because its chief executive wants to depopularise the sport.

BT boss Tom Logan said: “I bloody hate football, and it’s absolutely everywhere. Why can’t people see that cricket’s much better?

“Broadcasting football on our channel is the nearest thing we can get to it not existing. No one will see it, they’ll lose interest and move on to more enlightened pursuits.

“It’s like the old chestnut about a tree falling in a forest and nobody being there to hear it.

“But this time the question is if Ashley Young dives in the penalty area and Michael Owen is commentating on it on a channel nobody subscribes to, did it even happen?”

Once European football has been eliminated BT will buy up the rights to domestic competitions and lower league football.

Vast warehouses will store videotapes of Danny Baker’s enforced chumminess and Steve McManaman looking increasingly like a ham joint in a wig as the game is slowly erased from the public’s memory.

Logan said: “Once we have the rights to the Premier League, people will soon think a ‘Super Sunday’ is one with a cracking roast dinner and maybe a nice walk, rather than when Fulham play Stoke.”