Employers predict you will work harder for less money

BOSSES across the UK are going to make you work harder so they can buy more things, according to a new survey.

The Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development found that although the economy is growing, employers are not planning to take on new staff because that would involve paying people to do things that you could do if you stayed at your desk until at least 9pm.

A chartered spokesman said: “Instead of taking on more staff, companies are looking to ‘increase productivity’.  And I think we all know that means.

“It means you’re fucked.”

Just one in five companies said they would increase staff numbers and most of those will be accountants who specialise in helping employers avoid tax.

Meanwhile, legal firms are also expected to take on more staff to help employers grind you into the dirt when you take them to a tribunal for trying to kill you.

Martin Bishop, an employer from Stevenage, said: “I have a great team here. They’re dedicated and professional and they all want to contribute as much as they can, especially at weekends.

“I know they would not want me to take on more staff because they understand the harsh realities of globalisation.”

Emma Bradford, one of Mr Bishop’s employees, added: “Keep it up, fuckface. Keep it up.”


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Star Wars producers face 55 million Yoda impersonators

THE producers of Star Wars Episode 7 have discovered too late that Britain is a nation of Yoda impersonators.

Disney executives are holding open auditions across the UK, which have been besieged by the 94% of the population that can do a serviceable Yoda voice.

A Disney spokesman said: “We’re looking for talent here, and by talent I don’t mean the ability to put on a croaky voice and speaking in deliberately ungrammatical sentences.

“Absolutely anyone can do that.

“Please can all members of the British public who believe their work colleagues find their Yoda impression hilarious go home immediately.

“We’ve told you a dozen times already, and if any more of you try to get in through the windows you’ll be tasered.

“The message is ‘we’ve got a Yoda, just fuck off’.”

36-year-old sales manager Wayne Hayes said: “Heard about audition on radio did I.

“Come down I thought I would, because stay in character as Yoda most of the time do I. I do. Do I. Whatever, the idea you get I think.

“Policeman tell me to leave but punch him several times I did.”