Forsyth cracks America

IN a last minute change, CNN has ditched trainee journalist Piers Morgan in favour of Bruce Forsyth.

Forsyth petitioned the cable news giant with an eight hour showreel that came with a box of Cadbury’s Heroes and a covering letter detailing all the ways in which he was more of an all-round entertainer than Morgan.

Larry King Live producer Robyn Davies said: “Bruce wrote a very powerful letter reminding us that Piers can’t sing, can’t dance and just has one of those faces that you could spend all day hitting with a brick.”

Forsyth has been trying to crack America for 63 years and had believed his chance had gone when each of the major networks passed on his live, celebrity version of Play Your Cards Right.

Davies added: “The showreel demonstrated that Bruce had no journalistic skills, his jokes stink like a follow-through in an old folks’ home and he’s a massive ham. And he’s also much cheaper than Piers Morgan.

“Piers was upset at first, but then reminded me that he has lots of powerful friends and that nothing could stop him now.”

The new show will be called Nice to See America, to See America Nice and the first guest will be President Barack Obama.

Forsyth said: “I hope he will enjoy my impersonation of Sammy Davies Jnr.”



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Morbidly obese cat dies of adorable heart attack

PHOTOS of an obese cat in the throes of an endearing fatal heart attack have proved a huge hit on social media.

Loo-Loo Trixiebell Cakeslayer weighed three stone at the time of her instantly lovable premature death, which has garnered millions of likes.

Her final bewitching seizures were captured by her owner in an Instagram story which has been a viral hit with lovers of disgustingly fat dying animals around the globe.

One viewer commented: “OMG Looloo iz soooo cute she looks like she iz smilin even if it iz reelly just a grimuss ov pain. Oh well she iz with the angelz now. hope they have grate hi calorie kitty treets in heven lolz.”

Loo-Loo’s owner Nikki Hollis said: “Some people say it’s cruel to let your cat get that big, but she just ate normal cat stuff, like choux buns, curry and suet puddings with little sticks of lard stuck in them like a grotesque parody of a 99 ice-cream.

“The bits of her that could move, like her eyelids and tongue, were surprisingly agile. So really she was just big-boned.”

She added: “I guess she put on a little weight because I feed my pets eclairs elentlessly due to my history of dysfunctional relationships with horrible, vindictive men, so I give them the love I long for myself and I give it to them until it kills them. 

“There’s nothing unhealthy about that. Just look at the size of this f**king hamster.”