Morbidly obese cat dies of adorable heart attack

PHOTOS of an obese cat in the throes of an endearing fatal heart attack have proved a huge hit on social media.

Loo-Loo Trixiebell Cakeslayer weighed three stone at the time of her instantly lovable premature death, which has garnered millions of likes.

Her final bewitching seizures were captured by her owner in an Instagram story which has been a viral hit with lovers of disgustingly fat dying animals around the globe.

One viewer commented: “OMG Looloo iz soooo cute she looks like she iz smilin even if it iz reelly just a grimuss ov pain. Oh well she iz with the angelz now. hope they have grate hi calorie kitty treets in heven lolz.”

Loo-Loo’s owner Nikki Hollis said: “Some people say it’s cruel to let your cat get that big, but she just ate normal cat stuff, like choux buns, curry and suet puddings with little sticks of lard stuck in them like a grotesque parody of a 99 ice-cream.

“The bits of her that could move, like her eyelids and tongue, were surprisingly agile. So really she was just big-boned.”

She added: “I guess she put on a little weight because I feed my pets eclairs elentlessly due to my history of dysfunctional relationships with horrible, vindictive men, so I give them the love I long for myself and I give it to them until it kills them. 

“There’s nothing unhealthy about that. Just look at the size of this f**king hamster.” 

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Letting agents to out-bastard estate agents

A BOOMING rental sector means that letting agents are set to topple estate agents as Britain’s leading parasitical scumbags for the first time since 2010. 

The crown of Britain’s most despicable leeches was held by mobile phone contract salesmen for much of the 2010s before passing back to estate agents, but low housing sales mean letting agents are back on top. 

Record numbers chasing a fixed address have no option but to place their slender hopes into the claws of rapacious letting agencies exploiting their new status as the dominant sub-species of grimy spiv.

Letting agent Stephen Malley said: “For decades estate agents have been hogging all the revilement and loathing while we were just vaguely grubby non-entities with cheap shoes and big bunches of keys.

“Well you’re not getting a mortgage now, you pathetic grubbing animals, and so we find ourselves bathed in the golden glow of our perfect moment.

“Kneel before our awesomely demanding application process, which requires references from two dead family members, the leader of a global religion and a kestrel.

“Soon we shall have the fanny-magnet sport hatchbacks and the offices full of see-through objects with Victoria Monét playing on an unusually-shaped Bluetooth speaker. Estate agents, for so long our masters, will be nothing.


He added: “Our current properties include a one-bed in Stepney which smells of horses and a very tidy maisonette with no windows and the faint atmosphere of past tragedies.”