Government to make daytime TV less compelling

UNMISSABLE daytime shows like Bargain Hunt will be ordered off air by the government to encourage millions to return to work. 

Work and pensions secretary Mel Stride has demanded all terrestrial daytime television be replaced by footage of endlessly rotating cheese to free the millions unable to stop watching the frankly superb daytime schedule. 

He said: “Loose Women, Bargain Hunt, Find It Fix It Flog It; truly daytime television is the manna of the workshy, a rusty nail in the bicycle tyre of UK industry.

“These measures are radical but fair. Silent, coldly-lit film of dairy produce on a spindle between 9am and 5pm will drive snowflake millennials to the job centre while providing more-than-adequate entertainment for pensioners.” 

Stride confirmed he ordered the cancellation of BBC daytime soap Doctors, widely recognised as the greatest drama ever screened, and warned that if Going For Gold were to ever return absenteeism could hit 95 per cent. 

Unemployed Emma Bradford of Halifax said: “It’s near-impossible to look for work when there’s a documentary on about chimpanzees being inoculated. But this cheddar’s even better. 

“It’s hypnotic, it’s restful, it still offers surprises no matter how many times you’ve seen it spin and it’s nowhere near as stupid as the contestants on The Edge, with Gabby Logan. I’d better stay home to watch it.” 

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ITV To Apologise To Essex Using A Sad Face And Some Boobs

THE broadcaster of The Only Way Is Essex is to apologise to the county’s residents using pictures of things they recognise.

The hit series has been accused of depicting Essex people as slack-jawed, fame-obsessed, Satsuma-skinned halfwits who put fairy lights on their genitals.

But local club promoter, DJ and fomer professional footballer, Roy Hobbs, said: “It’s bang out of order. We ain’t just into going to clubs with rubbish Z-list celebs like Beppe from Eastenders.

“We’re also into going to club VIP rooms with quality people like Dean Gaffney from Eastenders. I was in the members-only disabled toilet with him at Cafe du Vadge in Chelmsford last weekend.”

He added: “We aren’t thick and we don’t deserve to be stereocast, stereophoned or starrytyped.”

A spokesman for ITV2 admitted some members of the Essex community have taken exception to what they consider to be an unfair representation of their breeding ground.

“We will preface the next episode with a short apology, though we have had to adapt it so that it doesn’t contain actual words.

“We’ll probably just go with a picture of a sad face. And then some boobs. They seem to be fond of boobs.”

Hobbs added: “And I almost went to the same party as Dane Bowers once. He’s a DJ and he put his foot up Jordan’s fanny.”