GORDON Brown will have a late breakfast, watch some afternoon telly and then take a nice long bath while George Osborne is kicking your bastarding teeth down your throat, it has been confirmed.
While the chancellor is machine-gunning half the country into a pit and telling the other half they must live chin-deep in their own dung, the former prime minister will be buttering some wholemeal toast and asking a stout, cheerful housekeeper to poach him an egg.
Mr Brown said: “Ooh look, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid is on this afternoon.
“I think I’ll Sky plus it and watch it after my bath while you fret over your credit card bill and ponder the extent of my genius.”
Mr Brown said he recognised that many people are worried about their jobs but stressed that most jobs are really quite annoying and he was so glad he did not have to do one any more.
“Jobs eh? Will you have one? Won’t you have one? Let me tell you, you’re better off out of it.
“Not having a job is so much more relaxing. All of a sudden you have time for eating toast and watching telly and having baths.
“I spend hours in the bath. Sometimes I’ll even read a book in the bath. At the moment I’m reading a book about economics. Did you know that economics is all about money? Isn’t that amazing? I had no idea.
“Of course, you do get money for doing a job, but I’m sure you’ve got hundreds of thousands of pounds in the bank as well a huge advance for your tell-all book about your 35 months as a teaching assistant.”
Mr Brown said he may also watch a bit of news around tea time, though stressed he was up to speed with the key points from the government’s spending review after it was photographed yesterday on a ginger man’s lap.
He added: “Oh dear, that was a such a gingery thing to do, wasn’t it?”