Friday, 14th May 2021

From celebrity chef to host of a shit game show: Gordon Ramsay in his own words

WITH lockdown keeping his restaurants shut, Gordon Ramsay has resorted to hosting a contrived BBC game show. Here he shares his views on it. (May contain swearing.) 

So, Gordon, a brand new show with Gordon Ramsay’s Bank Balance. You must be very excited.

You’re f**king joking aren’t you? Do you really think I’d be subjecting myself to this f**king bollocks if I didn’t have to? Even the title’s a pisstake – if my bank balance had any revenue coming in I wouldn’t be doing this bunch of arse.

So how does the show work?

F**ked if I know. Some bollocks about stacking blocks on some poxy balancing board. I don’t pay much f**king attention to be honest.

Sure, but we’re guessing you get to meet some interesting and fun contestants?

Don’t talk crap. The only thing more f**king stupid than the contestants is the piss-easy f**king questions they keep getting wrong. I can’t even take the piss out of their answers either without getting bollocked. Last week I called Falkirk a shithole when I’ve never actually been there. What’s wrong with that?

Are there plans for a second series?

Are there bollocks. As soon as lockdown’s over I’ll be back to charging rich, thick diners hugely over-inflated prices just because my f**ing name is over the door.

Gordon, thank you for your time.

F**k off.