Geri Halliwell's Girl Power guide to your husband texting another woman

HI! Geri here! As the intellectual architect of Girl Power, my life philosophy has been guiding me through the challenging situation of my husband sending sleazy texts to a young colleague. Here’s how.

Being an obedient little wife is actually Girl Power

Superficially, standing by your husband who’s been trying to cheat on you doesn’t look very feminist. But ignoring things can actually be very empowering! If the Suffragettes had ignored all that boring stuff about not having the vote they wouldn’t have kept ending up in prison – although all those hunger strikes must have been great for their figures!

Girl Power has made Formula 1 feminist

A Formula 1 investigation has found Christian innocent, and that’s good enough for me because Girl Power has made motorsport feminist. Don’t believe me? When did the Spice Girls last get back together? 2018. When were scantily-clad ‘grid girls’ dropped? 2018! There’s no way that’s just coincidence. I’m glad the sexist practice has ended, because it’s demeaning for women to have careers based on no discernible talent except having nice tits.

If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends

To remind Christian of the responsibilities of being in a marriage I reiterated this central tenet of Girl Power. ‘All your friends are idiots,’ he said, ‘but I’d probably shag the blonde one. She seems less stupid. However if it’s such a big deal, have them over for dinner. I can probably put up with the daft cows for an hour but after that I’m f**king off down the pub.’ It’s great he’s taking the Girl Power message on board!

I’m keeping Christian on a tight leash

Obviously Christian has done nothing wrong and I trust him 110 per cent, but just to be on the safe side I’m checking all his texts and WhatsApps from now on. I’ve found nothing suspicious, except a few dozen messages saying things like ‘You look great in that tight top, why don’t you come over to my hotel room?’. At first I was furious but then he explained he was just chatting to his mum.

Being mean about other people isn’t on my radar

When a posh book company like Oxford University Press publishes The Collected Quotes of Geraldine Halliwell, 1972-?, this quote of mine will be in it. If inappropriate texts have been exchanged we mustn’t blame some naive young woman who’s only in her 20s with perky breasts who can eat whatever she likes without putting on weight. Actually now I think about it I hate her and I hope she steps in front of a racing car. Bitch.

I have been taking comfort in the lyrics of The Spice Girls

If I’m having negative thoughts, eg. ‘Christian is a cheating scumbag’, I listen to the wise words of my former band. Who could fail to be uplifted by the optimism of lyrics like ‘Yellow man in Timbuktu / Colourful, both me and you’? Or marvel at the lyrical complexity of ‘Love is blind, as far as the eye can see’? Or just enjoy the simple truth of ‘I wanna really, really, really wanna zig-a-zig, ah’? It’s a message I think we can all relate to.

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