Girls celebrate anniversary of Warhammer 40,000

WOMEN are celebrating the science
fiction-themed tabletop wargame that has been the default female
entertainment of the last 25 years.

Created in 1987, Warhammer 40,000’s mixture of realistic turns-based strategy gaming and a dystopian sci-fi universe was an instant hit with millions of women, many of whom became self-confessed obsessives.

Teacher Emma Bradford, who was excitedly buying 25th anniversary limited edition lead figures at her local Games Workshop, said: “A lot of people say this, but there’s something about Warhammer games that just resonates with my vagina.

“I play with an Imperial Guard army, my best friend Mandy uses Tyranids who, as all ladies know, are a race of quasi-reptilian aliens whose voracious appetite for bio-mass has propelled them into conflict with the Imperium.

“We get together for a skirmish every Wednesday. Once in a while we get all the girls together for a major campaign which takes up to four days which is just so much fun.

“Afterwards we like to post the statistics on the internet.”

Personal trainer Nikki Hollis said: “Girls loving Warhammer 40K is such a cliché, but like many stereotypes there’s a large element of truth.

“The best thing about ‘the hobby’, as we women refer to it, is painting the little lead figures, or ‘miniatures’ as they’re properly called.

“I love doing that classic girl thing of being of putting on pyjamas, getting under a load of duvets and painting intricate banners on a Chaos Eldar battalion.”

She added: “War gaming drives my boyfriend nuts, he just wants to talk about his emotions and drink hot chocolate.”

Warhammer 40,000 spin-offs includes a successful series of novels by sci-fi-strategy-chick-lit author Helen Fielding about a neurotic young space marine called Nicola and a range of organic face creams named after different types of space weaponry.



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Britain backs CS gas for queues of more than two people

IF there are more than two people in a queue, tear gas should be used without mercy, according to a new report.

A review of last summer’s riots found that not only would CS gas help to restore order, it could be used to clear restaurants, train carriages  swimming pools and hospitals.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Tear gas is very good at making people go away.

“Let’s say your child is in danger of missing out on a place at an excellent local school. You would simply get hold of some gas – we can help you there – walk into the classroom, hand a gas mask to the teacher and go about your business.

“The room will soon be cleared of annoying, deeply traumatised competitors and the teacher can then give your child the first class education it so richly deserves.

“And if any parents turn up at your door to complain about you tear-gassing their children you can just tear-gas them.”

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: “I like to use tear gas at parties. If I find myself talking to someone who is boring or rude, I continue to nod at them as if I am interested, even as I am putting on my gas mask.

“I then pull the pin in the gas grenade and wait for them to collapse in a heap at my feet, retching and coughing as if they are about to expel a kidney.”

He added: “I would very much like to use my tear gas in other situations, such as Tesco Metro or a West End show.”

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, said: “I waited six months for a hip replacement. This would not have beeen necessary if I had tear gas.”

Mrs Gerving also backed the use of gas on rioters as long as it kills them.