Dog eats Miliband's leadership skills

ED Miliband’s ability to be prime minster has been eaten by an alsatian.

As the Labour leader was caught at a football match after claiming he was too ill to attend an NHS conference, he also revealed that Izzard, the party’s pet dog had somehow got into his schoolbag.

He said: “I totally did a load of work on my leadership skills after Hollyoaks.

“When I’d finished I put them in my bag but when I went to get it this morning there was just this mess of ripped up slogans and dog bogies.

“I was really annoyed because I reckon I could have got a ‘C’ in Not Sounding Like the Co-Chair of Roehampton Students Against Pornography.”

He added: “I chased after the dog with a rolled up copy of the New Statesman, but my mum says he’s not right in the head and we’ll have to get these really expensive pills from the vet.

“But I don’t know when we’ll be able to afford them so it’ll probably keep happening.”



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Predator drone visiting Afghan families on condolence mission

AFGHANS who lost family to a psychotic US soldier are being visited by a Predator drone programmed to comfort the bereaved.

The General Atomics MQ-1 Predator, a flying robot drone usually used for surveillance and targeted killings in remote areas of Afghanistan, has been switched to its backup Winning Hearts & Minds operating system and is going house-to-house providing emotional support.

Afghan subsistence farmer Samoud Jalal said: “The murders have this city on a knife-edge. When the knock came at the door my son had his AK-47 ready to fire. But when my eyes met its multi-spectral targeting system and it mechanically intoned ‘I am sorry for your loss of family, friend or member of your religious community,’ I felt a sincerity I had never felt from any American.

“We took tea, it put the span of its titanium wing on my shoulder and told me how deeply it empathised with my pain. I am proud to call this Predator my brother.”

The drone is programmed to offer sympathy to all civilians who have reported the loss of a family member, or limb, to US troops, and has more than 3,000 stock phrases of consolation including ‘There, there’, ‘Life goes on,’ and ‘You will be reunited, inshallah, in paradise’.

Operation Total Civilian Commiseration has been rated a success, with only one minor teething problem when the drone misidentified goats as Taliban and took out them and the surrounding farm with an air-to-surface Hellfire missile.

Kandahar imam Hakim Sadiq downplayed the error: “A simple mistake, and not even up there in our top 10 friendly fire incidents. I have always preached death to the West but this gentle, caring Predator has made me think again.”