Going out still not horrible enough for most Britons

A TYPICAL night out in the UK is still not unpleasant enough, according to most British people.

The Institute for Studies found that although going out in a British town will definitely involve either A & E, punching a friend or sitting in a pool of piss while dressed as the devil, Britons felt the overall experience was still insufficiently horrible.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “A lot of Brits feel frustrated that there’s only a 94% chance of getting punched in the spleen by a bitter gym freak in a scoop neck T-shirt.

“Also they’re worried that ‘drinking factory’ style pubs aren’t sufficiently soulless and depressing. Basically Britons want everything to be more corporate, more threatening, more amazingly miserable.”

Office worker Tom Logan said: “After a hard week at work I want to go and have a fucking horrible night out, dancing to music I hate in a roomful of threatening strangers, before going home to do a shit in my bed.

“I don’t want the unrelenting misery of the experience diluted by any fun or hope. Is that too much to ask?”

Sales executive Nikki Hollis said: “Going out at weekends still isn’t quite as bad as it might be, so we’ve taken to staying in.

“Usually my friend Sarah injects me with methanol, after which we play Benny Benassi’s Satisfaction on a loop while she kicks me in the head non-stop, for hours.

“Then we steal each others’ coats.”

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Decriminalise crime, says prisoners' party

PRISON inmates have set up their own political party in preparation for getting the vote.

The Shawshank Party will campaign on issues such as the introduction of non-slip soap in prison showers, more top bunks and the legalisation of all forms of crime.

Party leader Roy Hobbs said: “Every year, crime blights the lives of thousands of people convicted of doing it, as well as placing pressure on public services like the bastard coppers who nicked me.

“Our plan is to eradicate crime by making it legal. For example, theft will be reclassified as ‘just borrowing something for a bit’, while murder will become ‘unavoidable life-shortening’.

“We are also concerned about wider issues such as the dire state of the economy, specifically consumer confidence. There’s little point in burgling someone’s house if all they’ve got is a portable telly and some Elizabeth Duke jewellery from Argos.

“Then there are the problems faced by young people, many of whom can’t afford to buy their first ounce of cocaine to get on the dealing ladder.”

Prison inmate Wayne Hayes said: “I’ll be voting for the Shawshank Party. I think they’ve got some really good policies on immigration, the EU and being allowed to brew toxic hooch from potato peelings.”

Roy Hobbs said: “2015 could really be the breakthrough election for us. I’m a convicted paedophile, but my popularity rating is still 26% higher than Nick Clegg’s.”