Government asked to save all theatre apart from Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals

THEATRE lovers would like the government to step in and save the performing arts sector apart from crap like Cats.

Audiences, actors and directors have asked Rishi Sunak to bail out the industry, but said he should shut down all the shit stuff forever while he has the opportunity.

Theatre critic Oliver O’Connor said: “British theatre is on the brink of ruin, so we’d like the government to step in and save the bits that don’t have a horrible song stuffed in every five minutes for no reason.

“You can get rid of singing cats, singing Jesus, singing ghosts and singing Argentine political leaders. Basically anything that sings that shouldn’t ever sing.

“We just want productions that we can describe as ‘fresh’ and ‘challenging’, like Shakespeare done in tracksuits or Harold Pinter performed in a mortuary.

“Because you’re not meant to actually enjoy the theatre. It’s just something you endure to make other people think you’re intelligent.”

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

The Tory guide to why teachers are to blame for everything

TORIES hate teachers even more than thick kids do. Here MP Denys Finch Hatton explains why the entire profession is evil.

They have long holidays

Teachers love their holidays, so it’s not surprising they won’t go back to work when they’re presented with the ultimate skive: coronavirus. We need to instill a proper work ethic in them by keeping schools open 363 days a year (a day off for Christmas and Brexit Day.)

‘Those who can do, those who can’t teach’

This glib phrase is a 100 per cent accurate description of the teaching profession. Everyone agrees with it, including people doing the most pointless jobs and dreary pub bores, so it must be true.

They are all left-wing extremists

Every teacher is essentially a Red, itching for a strike and filling our children’s heads with subversive ideas like Sir Francis Drake not being perfect in every way and GCSE Transgenderism. We need to ban their communist propaganda – The Guardian – and get them back to teaching proper subjects like kings and queens of England and woodwork.

They are cowards

While true Brits are crowding onto beaches and into shops in a glorious ‘Up yours!’ to COVID-19, state school teachers are skulking at home bleating about protecting children, families and themselves. Is ‘treason’ too strong a word? No.

They are nice to children

Trendy modern teachers like non-competitive sports and ‘student counselling’, whatever that is. I was taught at an extremely brutal minor public school in the 60s and it never did me any harm, apart from my numerous disturbing sexual fetishes.

Next story ›