Guinness World Record holders mainly weird freaks

GUINNESS World Record holders are not glamorous heroes but weird freaks who live with their parents, it has emerged.

Despite the TV show Record Breakers convincing generations of children that activities like solving the most Rubik’s cubes while skateboarding are impressive achievements, they have instead been confirmed as evidence of an empty and wasted life.

An adjudicator from Guinness World Records said: “We’ve spent decades pretending that holding a record for a pursuit like ‘Longest distance travelled with pool cue balanced on chin’ is something to aspire to, but the truth is it’s not. Record holders are total weirdos who only do this stuff because they don’t have any friends.

“When you really think about it, owning the world’s largest collection of hamburger-related memorabilia is f**king strange and should not be considered impressive. Being a human rights lawyer or an Olympic athlete is impressive. Blowing a pea 17 miles on your hands and knees is not.

“I’ve been doing this job for 20 years. Where’s my world record for longest time putting up with a bunch of total f**king freaks, huh?”

Roy Hobbs, who holds the world record for largest sculpture made of lard, said: “I honestly thought this accomplishment would mean I’d never have to work again. But actually, I eat from bins.”

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How many people have f**ked on that mattress? Holiday rental questions not to consider

HOLIDAY rentals are often shabby and strange, but you’ll put up with anything if it’s cheap enough. Here are some questions about them that should stay unanswered:

How many people have f**ked on that mattress?

The sheets look quite clean, but it’s probably best not to look beneath them as you might find some suspicious stains that you will struggle to forget. In fact, definitely don’t venture there, or you’ll feel too squeamish to even lie down on it, let alone take your clothes off and have a shag yourselves.

How many people know how to get in here?

Even though it’s an isolated area, it was so easy to find the property, and the key was under a very obvious pot outside the porch. In fact, the back door doesn’t actually seem to lock. So just how many other people know this, and are they likely to have murderous tendencies? The locals definitely look a bit odd.

Who last cleaned the dishes?

A quick look at the welcome note lets you know that you should clean the dishes before you leave. Which means that other guests have previously been responsible for cleaning the dishes, who may be slovenly bastards with very low standards. The first plate you pull out of the cupboard has clear remnants of egg yolk on it, so you now have to wash every single item in the kitchen.

What’s in those weird locked cupboards?

It’s probably just cleaning supplies, or bits that the owners have left to store here. Almost certainly nothing sinister, like rope or super-strength bin bags or several rolls of duct tape. Will you still give the door a go to see if you can open it? Absolutely. You’ll even have a thorough search around for a key.

Is that my pube in the shower?

You already know the answer. You haven’t been in the shower yet, so whatever is in there has been left behind by the previous occupants. The thought of dealing with it makes you retch a bit, so stop looking at it and hope it washes away.

Where are the recycling bins?

The age old question in every holiday rental, and one that never has a simple answer. After trying for ages to find them and interrogating the neighbours, you’ll end up having to put everything in the general waste anyway, so save yourself the time and energy and sling it all in the main bin from day one.