Toothpaste, and other products where we don't need that much f**king choice

TOOTHPASTE has one purpose, so why do we need so many versions? Here are some other products which offer far too much choice:


There is simply no need for Colgate to offer 50 types of toothpaste which all look and taste the same. Do you want Advanced White, Advanced White Triple Action, or Advanced White Quadruple Super Mega Explosion? Depends how much money you’re willing to blow on minty white gunk.


Speaking of white gunk, there are also too many condoms to choose from. Ultra-thin for increased sensation or ultra-thick for extended pleasure? Lubricated or non-lubricated? With or without spermicide? Then you’ve got to battle with ribbed, dotted, flavoured or glow-in-the-dark? You briefly wonder if vaginas have tastebuds until you remember about blowjobs.


It used to be simple: bog-standard tomato was the only choice. Until Heinz brought out something called Mayochup and the whole condiments industry lost its mind. Now you can have weird hybrid sauces called MayoCue, MayoMust and even Kranch, which is ketchup mixed with ranch sauce, but sounds like a character from Star Trek. Christ, it’s enough to force you into enjoying HP.


You’ve got a hangover and you’re in Tesco. You can pay 30p for the own-brand painkillers or you can shell out £3.99 for some Nurofen, which must be more effective because it’s more expensive. Or maybe you should choose Nurofen Plus or Panadol Advance or Anadin Extra or Nuromol Dual Action. It’s all made from exactly the same ingredients, but the choice is so overwhelming that you leave without anything because your headache cure is giving you a headache.


Shampoo brands make wild claims about what their product can do for your hair, but ultimately it’s bullshit that it can protect colour, tame frizz or, if you’re a sad, deluded man, stop you from going bald. It’s just soap, at the end of the day, so stop wasting your hard-earned cash on the fancy kinds and spend it on something worthwhile, like booze.


In the 80s, the only two types of coffee you could make in your own home were Kenco and Gold Blend. It was easy. Now, you can choose from filter coffee, cafetière coffee, pod coffee, cold-pressed coffee and many more. And all you get after the faff of making it is a cup of nasty bitter liquid. Should have just stuck with the freeze-dried stuff, you wanky twats.

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Boyfriend's shoulder massage causes extensive muscular damage

A SHOULDER massage that was sold as being ‘relaxing’ has caused numerous muscular injuries, it has emerged.

Stephen Malley offered partner Emma Bradford a back rub to help her unwind after a stressful day at work, but instead left her feeling like she had been trampled by an angry shire horse.

Bradford said: “Well, that’s a mistake I won’t make again. I can’t move my right arm and it feels like Steve might’ve bruised between one and three of my vertebrae.

“I should probably have told him to stop, but the novelty of him doing something thoughtful for me meant I couldn’t bear to, even as I could feel the muscles between my shoulder blades being strained by his massive, oafish hands.

“Now I can’t stand up straight and will have to spend the best part of a hundred quid on an appointment with an osteopath to put right the damage Steve has done. I should have gone to a professional, rather than a man who learned everything he knows from a Pornhub video titled ‘Sexy massage with horny babes’.”

Malley said: “I only offered because I thought it might lead to sex, but, given the job I’ve done, I’m not going to see so much as a hand job until October.”