IF someone’s getting on your tits playing stupidly loud music in their car, what are they belting out? Grime. Trap. R&B. So what happened to the traditional music you used to hear at traffic lights?
Celine. Whitney. Mariah. The sort of belters that could dry wet hair in 20 seconds. But who is delivering these plodding misery-fests now, apart from Adele? Have young people simply decided such ballads are a load of histrionic rubbish? Well done. We’ll forgive you for TikTok for that.
Punk tore 1970s rock a new bumhole, making the prog dinosaurs extinct overnight and mercifully stopping music being Yes and Genesis for the rest of time. Did punk lose its impact due to anarchy totally not happening? Would you rather watch something good on streaming than listen to Sham 69 while inhaling glue? To be honest, yes.
In the 1980s reggae was as ubiquitous as legwarmers. Everybody wanted to be reggae, white people especially – The Police, Kate Bush, Paul Nicholas out of Just Good Friends. But then, like Cannon and Ball and Little and Large, the reggae just stopped. What happened? It’s a sad day for multiculturalism when people don’t want to listen to the authentic Jamaican sound of Sting.
Time was when heavy metal seemed to be the all-conquering, dominant music of the age. Then Whitesnake, Iron Maiden and their ilk faded away, taking with them their poodle perms, elongated tongues, spandex, Satanism-lite and pointless guitar solos. Pity today’s generation, who may not turn into gurning, taste-free idiots who think all women should wear miniskirts and thigh-length boots. Or in the case of Alice Cooper’s Poison video, just go topless.
Once ‘Shaky’ dominated the UK like Shake n’Vac. We were simply living in the world he had immaculately carved out with his twinkle-toed moves, a Welsh take on rock’n’roll that was better than Elvis. And yet current generations ignore his genius. Do they not want easy-listening ersatz rock’n’roll a mere 70 years after it was popular? They’ll be saying they’re not into banging harpsichord concertos next.