Heckles were the best bit of comedy night, says heckler

A NIGHT of stand-up comedy was vastly inferior to the witty and hilarious heckles from a drunk audience member, according to that person.

Wayne Hayes – who suffers from an extreme lack of self-awareness – wandered into the comedy night after five beers. While the audience appeared to be enjoying the professional, rehearsed sets, Hayes knew they secretly wanted something more.

Hayes said: “I warmed them up with some classic gags. When the first comedian asked if anyone else was in from Jamaica, I said yes. I’m not, but it’s funny because it’s so random, yeah?

“Then I kicked things up a gear. If they asked a rhetorical question I’d have an answer ready for them. Something properly edgy, like ‘paedos’ or ‘your mum’. Then I hit them with my topical material – Brexit, Bill Cosby, Crossroads.

“The stand-ups blanked me because they wished they’d come up with my zingers. Even the audience stayed silent because they didn’t want to embarrass them.

“When a lady stand-up came on I did some absolutely side-splitting stuff about her regional accent and low-cut top. It was so good I went to grab the mic so everyone could hear it more clearly.

“For some reason she told me to f**k off at that point. Probably jealousy, because I could easily be a brilliant stand-up. I’d give it a go, but my material’s probably too good for comedy clubs and TV.”

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Five honeymoon period relationship f**k-ups everyone makes

THE honeymoon period is known for its unbridled joy and marathon shagging. It is also a time when you will make these glaring errors.

Neglecting your friends

Your mates were always there for you, yeah? So how do you repay the favour now you’re loved-up? You ignore their texts and blank them in public. Now that you’re officially lost to a relationship, you’d better hope it lasts forever, unless you fancy being the loser in the pub always drinking on his own.

Spending shitloads

Forget energy bills and a rise in National Insurance, you’ve got to keep going on exciting dates. Your partner says they’re happy to stay in and watch telly, but what they really mean is that they want a slap-up meal and a trip to the theatre. Soon this becomes normal, you total pillock.

Saying ‘I love you’

There’s a time and a place for dropping the L-bomb, and that’s after your partner has said it, to prove you’re not just in it for the orgasms. However if you say ‘I love you’ during the first frenzied shagging sessions with someone who’s basically a stranger, there’s a strong chance they’ll respond with the deeply unsexy ‘We need to talk’.

Divulging your kinks

Even though you’re spending most of your time in the bedroom, you shouldn’t share the f**ked-up sex stuff that really gets you going. If they find your Deanna Troi costume and gas mask in the back of your wardrobe, just say you cosplay obscure Star Trek episodes. It’s slightly less embarrassing. Or maybe not.

Revealing your true self

Rookie mistake. During the honeymoon period you need to maintain a facade of appearing cool and interesting and like you’ve got your shit together. Only once your poor, unsuspecting partner has signed the marriage papers should you feel comfortable enough to reveal your true, thoroughly vile self. Check this eventuality isn’t covered in the pre-nup.