Man thinks his satnav's journey times are for pussies

A MALE motorist feels the journey durations calculated by his satnav are a personal challenge he must beat to prove his manhood.

Emotionally insecure prick Tom Logan thinks he can only maintain his imaginary alpha male status by speeding from A to B far faster than it is meant to take normal people.

Logan said: “If I get in my car and it says it will take one hour 45 minutes to get to Cirencester or wherever I just think ‘Nah, I can beat that’. In fact I have to or I’m not a proper bloke.

“Various buried psychological issues are at work here, but the main one is that my satnav’s voice is female, and if I can’t tank it to my destination quicker than some woman reckons I’m only half a man, right?

“Weirdly, it still always seems to be unerringly correct, but that’s just down to all the other prats on the road driving like pussies. There’s not much I can do to prevent that, they just need to get out of the f**king way and see how a real, heterosexual man drives.”

Logan’s partner Sarah said: “Tom’s obsession with thinking he can drive down the A38 like he’s Lewis f**king Hamilton baffles me. 

“This is just wild speculation, but I think it might be related to his unfeasibly tiny penis.”

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How to become a non-dom in 11 easy steps

SICK of paying tax and don’t like Britain? Simply become non-domiciled, like Rishi Sunak’s wife and Daily Mail owner Viscount Rothermere. Here’s how:

1: Declare you don’t live here. This is weird if your husband is chancellor, you’re meant to live in 11 Downing Street and you actually live in a mansion in Kensington. However, as you will soon discover, being a non-dom is mostly bollocks.

2: Claim to live somewhere else. This could be your country of origin, a country you have a home in, a country you’ve visited or a country you’ve heard of. Say Transnistria, they don’t get much recognition.

3: When asked to demonstrate that your domicile is in another country, simply talk about that country and how much you like it there, including facts from Wikipedia. The Home Office are very keen on the idea of booting people out of the UK and will not argue.

4: Pay HMRC to secure your non-domiciled status. Yes, you pay HMRC to pay less tax. It’s a similar system to the one France operated just before the Revolution.

5: Reroute all of your income out of the country by asking your employer to make payment to a Swiss bank account in Euros. This can probably be done via Paypal.

6: Pay no tax in the country you claim to live in either, because you don’t live there. You live in Britain, except you don’t. Don’t worry about all this unhinged logic. Just imagine you’re at a highly lucrative version of the Mad Hatter’s tea party.

7: Reflect on that Theresa May Brexit speech where she condemned ‘citizens of nowhere’ and how Tory rhetoric always comes back to bite them.

8: Pay virtually no tax. Take on a few government contracts if possible to show you’re really taking the piss out of the system.

9: After seven of nine tax years spent living in the UK without paying UK tax, pay £30,000. You will have made this in interest by this point. Nice work if you can get it.

10: After 12 out of 14 years, pay £60,000. Pocket change compared to a tax-free living. Despite your bargain low-tax existence, moan endlessly about having to pay ANY tax like all the other rich people. 

11: When you have been in the country 15 out of 20 years, you will be required to pay full tax. Immediately piss off somewhere else. Britain’s an underfunded shithole of crumbling infrastructure and collapsing public services anyway. They should invest in it.