FOR some reason we think pop stars are experts on love, when almost none of them have a background in psychology or academic research. Here are some embarrassingly incorrect hits.
Love is a Stranger, Eurythmics
The stranger will ‘tempt you in and drive you far away’, which is inconvenient at best (you might have to get the train back from, say, Aberdeen) or at worst, an abduction scenario. And can you genuinely be in love with a total stranger? They might be into weird shit like collecting SS daggers.
I Will Always Love You, Whitney Houston
Whitney failed to do even the most basic fact-checking. With 103,592 divorces in England and Wales in 2020, her claim that ‘I will always love you’ has been thoroughly debunked. The song should really go: ‘A significant minority of married partners will emphatically NOT always love you.’ Much better.
Love is the Drug, Roxy Music
Let’s get this straight, Bryan Ferry and others, love is nothing like a drug. You can’t just stick some love up your nose and feel great, you need to do a load of dating stuff first. And being stuck in a car with a sulky partner after a row is a lot less fun than E. On the upside, love doesn’t cause annoying pinhole burns in your favourite shirt.
You’re Beautiful, James Blunt
Almost no one realises this is about failing to go out with someone, certainly not the billion trillion couples who decided it was ‘our song’. The problem is that clearly it’s not just beautiful people who fall in love. Ugly people do too. It’s revolting, but mankind must breed and not let the cockroaches win.
I Want to Know What Love is, Foreigner
Do you, Foreigner, do you? It’s easy enough to look up, and the answer is: the release of high levels of dopamine and the hormone norepinephrine by the human brain. Foreigner should get help from an evolutionary biologist, maybe Richard Dawkins, when writing love songs.
The Love Cats, The Cure
Some Cure fans claim this is based on the obscure novel The Vivisectors. Non-Cure fans claim it is some nonsense about a couple who compare themselves to cats. However if you’ve seen cats shagging, with the male’s neck-biting and painfully spiked penis, ‘love’ doesn’t really come into it.
I Swear, All-4-One
You won’t remember All-4-One, but by God you won’t have forgotten this whiny, mega-selling r’n’b ballad from 1994. The general gist is ‘I swear, I’ll be there, till death do us part’ and ‘when there’s silver in your hair’. This is a rash claim from any romantic partner, even worse by 20-year-old pop stars. ‘I’ll be there for about four shags’ seems like a better estimate.
You Give Love a Bad Name, Bon Jovi
It’s highly unlikely that one woman significantly affected the popularity of romantic love. Last year Valentine’s Day generated revenues of £926 million in the UK alone. Sorry, Mr Bon Jovi, this lyric just makes you a pathetically self-important drama queen.