Total twats the person you fancy will inevitably go out with

LOVE hurts, especially if your true love isn’t interested and is seeing some twat, leaving you to watch miserably from the sidelines. Here are the shitty bastards they’ll choose over you.

The selfish guy 

You’d never make the woman you love do tedious things like watching your crappy Sunday league team. But she does it uncomplainingly with this guy. When did she suddenly turn into a simpering 1950s American housewife? Baffling, and you’re a bit narked you never got the chance to make her put up with your tedious interests.

The conventionally successful person 

Who could pick this boring individual over a free-wheeling type like you? Er, someone who fancies some sort of stability, proper holidays instead of camping, and decent birthday presents rather than jokily ‘ironic’ ones like a spatula. You resolve to be a bit more mature, until you meet the person in question and their incessant boring work talk makes you want to rip your own brain out and stamp on it.

The moron

They have the obvious good looks of Meghan Barton-Hanson off Love Island or Vernon Kay, with the IQ of a mushroom to match. Is your true love actually a bit shallow? Or are you pissed off because it’s an unwelcome reminder that you’re only hopelessly in love with them because they’re fit?

The wanker

Not sour grapes, they’re objectively a weapons-grade wanker. Crimes may include their shrieky laugh as they wet themselves over Michael McIntyre, their love of ‘bantz’, or having hidden, surprisingly bigoted views. It’s a genuinely inexplicable love match and you’ll just have to accept it’s an unanswerable question, like whether parallel universes exist. (Try not to dwell on the one where you’re going out with the person you fancy.)

The sporty person 

To be honest you can see the appeal of someone with a great bod who can walk up a hill without sweating like a sprinkler system. But you can’t escape the fact that they are a twat, with their constant running updates and fitness humblebragging. You’re pretty sure you beloved isn’t into hanging out with their monomaniac Tough Mudder pals either. 

The person who’s better than you in every way

They’ve pinched all your good traits and improved on them. You’re tolerably attractive, they look a bit like Ryan Reynolds. You’ve got an okay job, they somehow work in the film industry. You can make the person you fancy laugh, their humour is both funny and perceptive and doesn’t rely on quoting The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. There’s f**k all you can do in this scenario, except murder them, and the chances of shagging your true love will be significantly reduced by 35 years in prison.

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Nuclear power plants 'won't make Suffolk any more unliveable'

THE construction of new nuclear power plants in Suffolk will not make the region significantly worse to live in, it has emerged.

More reactors in the eastern county will not be a problem because it is already home to a power plant producing hazardous waste, and is generally pretty crap anyway.

Suffolk resident Wayne Hayes said: “At first I was concerned to hear that the government is building eight more nuclear power plants. But when I learnt that some of them were going up here I thought f**k it, the damage has already been done.

“The Sizewell nuclear power stations have probably already irradiated the soil and harmed the wildlife in ways we don’t even realise yet. So chucking another one on the tab isn’t going to make much of a difference.

“I used to think the local people had started to mutate, but in fairness I think they’re just the usual annoying regional types with a chip on their shoulder and a strange hatred of France.”

Local inhabitant Donna Sheridan added: “Suffolk is home to dozens of boring middle class towns and Ipswich. The presence of another nuclear power plant producing radioactive things that have to be encased in concrete and dropped in the sea is the least of our worries.

“If anything we should be grateful the county is one step closer to becoming a massive glowing crater by the North Sea. At least then regular people might be able to afford to live here.”