LOVE hurts, especially if your true love isn’t interested and is seeing some twat, leaving you to watch miserably from the sidelines. Here are the shitty bastards they’ll choose over you.
The selfish guy
You’d never make the woman you love do tedious things like watching your crappy Sunday league team. But she does it uncomplainingly with this guy. When did she suddenly turn into a simpering 1950s American housewife? Baffling, and you’re a bit narked you never got the chance to make her put up with your tedious interests.
The conventionally successful person
Who could pick this boring individual over a free-wheeling type like you? Er, someone who fancies some sort of stability, proper holidays instead of camping, and decent birthday presents rather than jokily ‘ironic’ ones like a spatula. You resolve to be a bit more mature, until you meet the person in question and their incessant boring work talk makes you want to rip your own brain out and stamp on it.
They have the obvious good looks of Meghan Barton-Hanson off Love Island or Vernon Kay, with the IQ of a mushroom to match. Is your true love actually a bit shallow? Or are you pissed off because it’s an unwelcome reminder that you’re only hopelessly in love with them because they’re fit?
Not sour grapes, they’re objectively a weapons-grade wanker. Crimes may include their shrieky laugh as they wet themselves over Michael McIntyre, their love of ‘bantz’, or having hidden, surprisingly bigoted views. It’s a genuinely inexplicable love match and you’ll just have to accept it’s an unanswerable question, like whether parallel universes exist. (Try not to dwell on the one where you’re going out with the person you fancy.)
The sporty person
To be honest you can see the appeal of someone with a great bod who can walk up a hill without sweating like a sprinkler system. But you can’t escape the fact that they are a twat, with their constant running updates and fitness humblebragging. You’re pretty sure you beloved isn’t into hanging out with their monomaniac Tough Mudder pals either.
The person who’s better than you in every way
They’ve pinched all your good traits and improved on them. You’re tolerably attractive, they look a bit like Ryan Reynolds. You’ve got an okay job, they somehow work in the film industry. You can make the person you fancy laugh, their humour is both funny and perceptive and doesn’t rely on quoting The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. There’s f**k all you can do in this scenario, except murder them, and the chances of shagging your true love will be significantly reduced by 35 years in prison.