Hermione should have married Jackie Chan, says Rowling

JK ROWLING has admitted that Hermione Granger would have been much happier married to martial arts legend Jackie Chan.

The Harry Potter author said the character’s marriage to Ron Weasley was a mistake and would have led to mutual resentment, heavy drinking and repeated viewings of Rush Hour 2.

She added: “Hermione needed to be with someone on her level. She would have been dazzled by Jackie’s lightning-fast hands and his ability to jump on to tables.

“And even though I forced her to marry Ron, I like to think that at some point she would have had an affair with Jackie Chan.

“Or possibly Shaft.”

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Gyms return to serene emptiness

BRITAIN’S gyms have again become places of calm and spirituality, undisturbed by the general public.

Gyms, swimming pools and fitness centres have for the last month thronged with sweaty, bloated humans in brand new lycra.

FitLife personal trainer Helen Archer said: “They join every January and then melt away like snow.

“As soon as the last one has gone we’ll stop playing N Dubz over the PA, it’ll be Brian Eno’s soothing ambient work instead.

“For eleven months of the year we trainers are more like scholarly priests, we sit around on the rowing machines reading, meditating and writing lengthy tracts on obscure areas of philosophy.

“Sometimes a thrush or chaffinch will fly in through an open window to perch on the handlebars of an exercise bike. We welcome nature and see it as sacred.”

She added: “We need your direct debits throughout the year to fund our mind-temple, but January is so taxing and repetitious.

“You don’t realise we get these muscles from advanced mental techniques, available only to the most evolved beings, where we just think about having abs and it happens.”