Hip hop middle-aged, fat and knackered

HIP hop is 50, tired, has nothing new to say and makes a little yelping noise when it has to get up out of an armchair, it has emerged. 

Celebrations for hip hop’s 50th birthday are taking place on 6Music, in the Guardian, at Yankee Stadium and in other uncool locations while the genre itself wishes it was at home watching Endeavour repeats.

Hip hop fan Nathan Muir, aged 49, said: “Nas, Ice Cube, Ghostface Killah, Snoop Dogg, Slick Rick; not one of them more than a decade from their pension.

“Hip hop’s putting a brave face on things but it’s f**ked. It has glasses on a chain around its neck which it has to put on to read fire lyrics dissing a sucka MC, then when it takes the glasses off it can’t find its proper glasses which were on the top of its head all along.

“Hennessy gives it heartburn and marijuana gives it a migraine. It mumbles reminisces about 1990s Bad Boy vs Death Row rivalries which are of as little interest as mods vs rockers on Brighton beach.

“Hip hop falls asleep after a big meal. Hip hop winces when mortgage rates go up. Hip hop barks at children not to touch its collection of pristine Adidas Gazelles. Hip hop is old.”

DJ Kool Herc, founder of hip hop, said: “This modern music can’t hold a candle to the old Bronx breakbeats. Eh? Eh?”

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Dessert menus with no chocolate items can f**k off, confirm Britons

DESSERT menus that do not include any chocolate-based offerings have been sternly told where to go by the British public.

A restaurant’s list of desserts should always contain at least one chocolate item which people can politely pretend not to be interested in until they inevitably succumb to temptation.

Diner Susan Traherne said: “Shit like panna cotta, sorbet, and cheese and biscuits only appear on dessert menus as a formality. All people really want is a huge wedge of chocolate cake. Don’t play games with us by not including it.

“Fruit purée can piss off. So can anything involving matcha. I don’t even know what affogato is but it’s not chocolate, so why would anyone order that?”

Banging the table with her knife and fork, she added: “I want my chocolate mousse and I want it now.”

Friend Mary Fisher said: “Customers should be allowed to sling chocolate-less menus out the window and spit on the chefs. It’s what they deserve for insulting us with such a travesty of so-called food.

“As a compromise I am willing to entertain the idea of a sticky toffee pudding swimming in syrupy sauce. But even then I’d much rather the waiting staff bring me a Kit Kat Chunky from the Tesco Express across the road.”