Hot Glastonbury to suck just as hard

TENS of thousands of Glastonbury attendees are today discovering that a blazing hot weekend in a desperately overcrowded campsite is also hell. 

As the sun mercilessly beats down on Worthy Farm, festivalgoers are queuing for suncream, fighting for patches of shade and wishing they were anywhere else but for the opposite reason than usual.

Donna Sheridan, aged 29, said: “So it turns out deserts are only slightly more suitable than swamps for holding music festivals. Who knew?

“Don’t get me wrong, the sunshine’s lovely for the first hour or so, but then your tent’s like an oven and beer gives you a throbbing headache and sweaty people are rubbing against you wherever you go and it’s just unbearable.

“Plus the moisture in the air really dampened down the stench of the toilets. In these warm conditions you’re breathing baked sh*t all the way at the top of the Healing Field.

“By the time Kylie’s performing on Sunday afternoon the topsoil will have turned to orange dust and be blowing through in the air while we trudge through it with makeshift goggles and rags tied over our faces like Mad Max extras.

“I wonder if an overcast Glastonbury would be any better. Mm. Probably not.”

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The 16 things you need to own to be a Guardian reader

YOU may browse it online now and then to see what the liberal elite think, but to truly be a Guardian reader you need to live the Guardian lifestyle. Here’s what to own: 

1. Political cartoon toilet books about how terrible the Tories are

2. Grudgingly-used pasta maker

3. Framed poster from art exhibition abroad that you actually, physically visited

4. Photography book with cocks in

5. So many canvas tote bags that it’s actually environmentally catastrophic and plastic would be better

6. Box set of The West Wing, watched to death

7. Three children to prove you can afford it

8. Two cars, complete with scrutiny-proof excuses about the terrible state of public transport in this area

9. Handcarved Kenyan wooden stool that’s not actually comfortable to sit on so is piled with magazines

10. Cabinet of artisanal small-batch flavoured gins, ignored in favour of necking a litre of Bombay Sapphire every weekend

11. Vinyl collection only embarked on because everyone else was

12. Ukelele, obviously

13. Storage unit full of all the stuff you got rid of to be minimalist like one of the homes in the Weekend magazine, then you got new stuff

14. Moleskine notebook containing unused outline for autobiographical novel, unused outline for travel book, unused outline for parody Twitter account, shopping list

15. Hilarious anti-Brexit sign that not one of those bastards photographed on the marches

16. Privilege, checked daily