Tuesday, 26th January 2021

Hot Glastonbury to suck just as hard

TENS of thousands of Glastonbury attendees are today discovering that a blazing hot weekend in a desperately overcrowded campsite is also hell. 

As the sun mercilessly beats down on Worthy Farm, festivalgoers are queuing for suncream, fighting for patches of shade and wishing they were anywhere else but for the opposite reason than usual.

Donna Sheridan, aged 29, said: “So it turns out deserts are only slightly more suitable than swamps for holding music festivals. Who knew?

“Don’t get me wrong, the sunshine’s lovely for the first hour or so, but then your tent’s like an oven and beer gives you a throbbing headache and sweaty people are rubbing against you wherever you go and it’s just unbearable.

“Plus the moisture in the air really dampened down the stench of the toilets. In these warm conditions you’re breathing baked sh*t all the way at the top of the Healing Field.

“By the time Kylie’s performing on Sunday afternoon the topsoil will have turned to orange dust and be blowing through in the air while we trudge through it with makeshift goggles and rags tied over our faces like Mad Max extras.

“I wonder if an overcast Glastonbury would be any better. Mm. Probably not.”