How not to be Madonna when you hit 60

ARE you wondering if you should be like Madonna when you hit the big 6-0? The answer is probably ‘no’, so here is a guide to not being an ageing pop megalomaniac in later life.

By all means wear youthful clothes but try to be age-appropriate. Avoid going to the library in six-inch stilettos, a black leather thong and a bondage harness.

Try not to flirt with lesbianism to get attention. Snogging your friend Audrey at a Women’s Institute meeting will put everyone off their ginger cake and really it’s a bit insulting to people who are sincere about their sexuality.

Don’t seduce a string of much-younger male dancers while your husband Geoff is pottering about in the shed. You know what his blood pressure is like.

Avoid being obsessed with looking the same as you were 35 years ago. The odd Botox treatment can be a great confidence booster, but your grandchildren will freak out if you start looking like a prototype android.

Get a worthwhile hobby, maybe creative writing or volunteering. Don’t make a series of pisspoor films that are clearly embarrassing vanity projects made worse by your total lack of filmmaking knowledge.

Don’t go on a punishing 60-date musical tour in which you grimly try to do everything a 25-year-old trained dancer can. If you put your back out it’s your own fault.

Try not to show people your arse at every opportunity. This is nothing to do with being 60, it’s just fucking abnormal when anyone does it.