How not to be Madonna when you hit 60

ARE you wondering if you should be like Madonna when you hit the big 6-0? The answer is probably ‘no’, so here is a guide to not being an ageing pop megalomaniac in later life.

By all means wear youthful clothes but try to be age-appropriate. Avoid going to the library in six-inch stilettos, a black leather thong and a bondage harness.

Try not to flirt with lesbianism to get attention. Snogging your friend Audrey at a Women’s Institute meeting will put everyone off their ginger cake and really it’s a bit insulting to people who are sincere about their sexuality.

Don’t seduce a string of much-younger male dancers while your husband Geoff is pottering about in the shed. You know what his blood pressure is like.

Avoid being obsessed with looking the same as you were 35 years ago. The odd Botox treatment can be a great confidence booster, but your grandchildren will freak out if you start looking like a prototype android.

Get a worthwhile hobby, maybe creative writing or volunteering. Don’t make a series of pisspoor films that are clearly embarrassing vanity projects made worse by your total lack of filmmaking knowledge.

Don’t go on a punishing 60-date musical tour in which you grimly try to do everything a 25-year-old trained dancer can. If you put your back out it’s your own fault.

Try not to show people your arse at every opportunity. This is nothing to do with being 60, it’s just fucking abnormal when anyone does it.

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Cheeky bastards asking for help with renovations want friends to be their slaves

A COUPLE asking friends to ‘pitch in’ with their home improvements essentially want their friends to be unpaid slave labour.

Self-absorbed homeowners Emma and Tom Logan put a message on Facebook asking if any of their ‘amazing friends’ had ‘a free pair of hands to help us lovingly craft our home’.

Emma Logan said: “We went on to explain that we can pay in love and gratitude. But not money, obviously. That’s expensive.

“We’re hoping there’ll be a ‘DIY party’ atmosphere so the issue of unpaid labour won’t come up. Come on guys, there’s nothing more fun than sanding skirting boards for hours on end.

“We could even stretch to a hot meal – if one of them can install an oven.”

Friend Nathan Muir said: “Doing work without payment is pretty much the definition of slavery. If they got some whips and guard dogs at least it would be more honest.

“Unfortunately ‘love and gratitude’ is not a recognised currency I can use to pay my electricity bill. I’ll see if they accept it in Sainsbury’s, but I think probably not.”

Tom Logan said: “It’s so weird, everyone is suddenly avoiding us. You have to ask whether these are real friends.”