Middle aged man vows to one day find out what a carb is

A 55-YEAR-OLD reading the newspaper over a full cooked breakfast has renewed his commitment to discovering what a carb is.

After reading that a high-carb diet can shorten life expectancy but not as much as a low-carb one, lorry driver Wayne Hayes has sworn to find out what a carb looks like and if he is presently eating any.

He said: “I should have done this back in the 00s, when everyone was on that Atkins, but I’ve always felt taking an interest in what you eat is just for bodybuilders and fat women.

“I know protein is eggs and meat, fat’s like… chips? I haven’t a fucking clue what milk is. And then there’s greens. I don’t see where carbs would fit in there to be honest. Do you have to ask for them specially?

“I could be living a no-carb lifestyle for all I know. The doctor never mentions it, he just says have less fry-ups. Maybe I could get carbs on prescription with my heart pills.”

When informed by a fellow driver that the meal he had just finished was, in fact, very high in carbs, Hayes replied: “That’s not a carb. It’s a sausage.”


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Inspirational drivel to post on Facebook then do the opposite of

DO you wish you were less of a loser but prefer putting inspirational messages on Facebook to actually doing something about it? Here are some mantras just for you!

‘I never dreamed about success. I worked for it’

Do you work in an office doing something dreary with data inputting? Do you constantly go on about your dream of opening a gourmet sausage roll shop but do fuck all about it? This one is for you.

‘Sometimes when things are falling apart they may actually be falling into place’

Tell yourself this when your wife has found out you’ve been cheating on her and she’s just sprayed ‘WANKER’ across your car windscreen. Remember: sometimes things are just falling apart.

‘The smile on a child’s face is worth a million dollars!’

Just as well, because although you have several vile children setting fire to wheelie bins on the estate you are unlikely to ever have a million dollars.

‘A problem is a chance for you to do your best’

Is it? Is it REALLY? Or is it a chance for you to hide under your duvet drinking neat gin and hoping if you get drunk enough it will magically go away?

‘Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown and be sweet on the inside’

When you secretly know your life is utterly rubbish, try posting a horribly twee quote to make yourself feel better. It won’t change anything, but at least other people will think you’re quirky and fun!